Greetings from Ireland

I'm here... finally! *Jump for joy*

I can't even being to describe this place and do it the justice it deserves. It's just wonderful to be here. Away from all the garbage in New York and all that jazz. It's also really nice to have finally gotten to look Mark in the eyes. The sweetheart that he is. My one regret is that it's all going so fast. I was told that I wouldn't wanna leave and I think that's more than a little true. But, well... what can ya do? For now I'm gonna enjoy the time I have here and with him, respectively, and not worry about leaving.

I'm not sure if I will be writing again while I'm here so I'll say goodbye for now. As always, I love you all.

10 Days and Counting

Well everything is set. Well, almost everything. But in 10 days I will be on a plane on my way to Ireland.... and Mark. A life long dream and a dream come true all rolled into one. Mark truly is the most remarkable man I've ever met. He's got a twisted sense of humor, a great sense of self, and a wonderful outlook on life. He's fun with a good head on his shoulders. I'm blessed to have him in my life. Right now our relationship isn't really defined, but to have him in any capacity is more than I ever could have hoped for at this stage of my life.

So it's off to Ireland I go. Hopefully I've got everything I need. I'll have my computer with me so maybe I will stop by and leave a message or two. Keep me in your thoughts.

As always, I love you all.

If Wishing Made It So

It's been a long while since I posted a blog. Not quite sure why other than life has been quite strange. I'm actually not to sure if anyone (aside from SG) is even reading any more so this is basically just for me at this point.

Well I bought a new car. He's a beauty - Volkswagen GLI. Yeah well, I've been putting it off for over a year, but that's how I am. I make a decision to do something and then it's turbo charged speed. Last Tuesday I told my family I was finally gonna get the new car, they laughed cuz I've been saying it for so long, and then Thursday I went and looked at some (I had the GLI in mind all along but doesn't hurt to look) and took a test drive in a GTI (long story) and on Friday put a down payment on my baby. He arrived from somewhere near Albany on Tuesday and on Wednesday I picked him up. He's just amazing. However that tradition of throwing money on the floor of a brand new car is kinda strange to me so I keep picking up the change and putting it into the cup holder. :p

I also had to purchase a new computer a few weeks ago. Mine had some sort of glitch and it can't start up any longer. Once the guys at work safeguard my memory (all my writing is on it) I'll take it to this place to be fixed. If they can't fix it then it has to go to Toshiba - although I'm not sure where that is. So two days after it broke I went and bought this one. I don't like it all that much but it is actually a better computer than my other one. Go figure.

I think things with Mark and I are going well. I'm scared to death though. I mean - I know he likes me, thinks I'm grand and all, but well he's a man. Men don't talk about their feelings for the most part. And as my doctor keeps reminding me, Irish men take that to a whole other level. All I know for certain is I adore the man. I'll keep ya posted.

Speaking of men I adore... have I mentioned Donal lately? I think I wanna adopt him. Hehe. Seriously though, he's kinda like the brother I always wanted and never got cuz I'm stuck with a sister. Sometimes we talk and I'm a bit amazed at how smart he is. Now if I could just find him a nice girl.

I'm a bit sleepy and think I may take a nap. I was a little wired after talking to Mark last night and didn't get to bed until after 2:00 am. Well, I'm not complaining really, I'm just sayin'. I'll see ya soon. As always, I love you all.

Rush, Rush

The time is moving quickly and September will be here before I know it. There's so much to do before my trip. Doctor visits, shopping (gag), trips to the bank, phone calls, etc. Most importantly I still have to pick where I'm gonna stay, but that shouldn't be much of a problem. I work with a woman who travels a great deal every year who has offered to help me learn what is the best way to pick a hotel.

I've decided not to rent a car, although (as you read in a past post) that a good friend made sure there were 'cars yanks could drive' in Ireland. And since I'm not really into hanging out with big packs of people, I probably won't sign up for one of those tours. Although another friend did suggest it, saying it would probably be fun for me.

I'll be staying in Cork City, that hasn't changed, but the places I will be going to has. Mainly because I'll be walking to all my locations... or possibly taking whatever form of public transport it available. I've heard conflicting opinions on the buses there so that I will have to wait and see about I guess.

I also recently learned about a lovely thing they do in Ireland - apparently the price tags include the price and the tax right on the ticket, so there's no guessing how much something is actually gonna cost. This is helpful since I've never even seen a Euro, let alone used one to purchase something. Sad isn't it. I was also given the advice to just use the notes when paying and not to bother with the coins, which I will probably do.

Most likely my biggest hurdles will be eating and flying. Now I'm not a picky eater or anything but being that I'll be all outta wack with the time zone change I'm sure eating at what would be such weird times (for me) would take getting used to. Flying is a different matter all together, but one I don't plan on letting hinder me from my trip.

The type of person I am, I still hold out hope that things will work out for me as originally planned... but I'm nothing if not adjustable so I'm going on as if that situation was never concrete. As Elizabeth commented, I should have 'no trouble finding someone to talk to who will be willing to answer all my questions' so I'm just gonna go with that.

I'll keep ye posted. As always... I love you all.

What's it Mean? You Tell Me.

She rode the wild beast.
Threw her head back in elation.
And as the speed of the gallop increased.
So did the fury of her exulation.

Random Snippets of My Life

Wednesday was a bad day for me. The asshole at work was even more annoying and pathetic than usual. I woke with a migraine and dealing with her made it worse. I eventually told the manager that I was leaving. That night I went to pick Jeffrey up at school and as I was leaving the building I didn't realize there was a step outside the door and I fell... mostly on my head... but most of the front of my body is either bruised or cut. Needless to say it was no slight bump on the head. Somehow I was able to drive home but I lost it on the way. The build up of everything that's been happening got to me and I burst into tears. The physical pain I can deal with, but the emotional stress of everything finally boiled over.

There's been so much going on lately that I haven't told anyone about. I just don't feel comfortable doing so right now. Mark would be the one I would talk to but, well that whole situation is compliated. After nearly a month of nothing he came onto Xbox last night and invited me to play a game with him. I figured it was a mistake but joined anyway since I've been playing the game a lot lately. Turns out it wasn't a mistake and eventually we started talking. Again things started to click with us... it made me realize how much he understands me on some levels. I care for this man a great deal, but I felt myself holding back last night. I mean, that could be because my hands are screwed up after my fall but I'm not sure. I'm also not sure when we will talk again, but now I realize I don't have to be down on myself if we don't.

I keep thinking that I've seen 3 films in the theatre recently, but I can only think of 2. I know I saw Wolverine and Star Trek... but I can't remember if there is anything else I saw. I guess because I wanted to see so many of the recent releases I'm blanking on a possible third. I saw Watchmen as well but I'm not sure if I am counting that one in my head. OMG I'm loosing it here. :P

In the past month I have begun forgetting to eat and drink. I'll be writing and look up and it's 5:00 and I've not eaten lunch. Or suddenly it's midnight and I never ate dinner. I'll be goofing off on Xbox and the same thing happens. I've finished my bottle of water and never opened the new one. I don't think this is a good thing. My doctor would actually freak out if he knew it was happening.

I've also had a lot of trouble sleeping. I mean, I normally have a lot of trouble with that, but it's gotten much worse. I went to bed at nearly 2:00 this morning and yet I was wide awake at 6:00. If I try to rest during the day I can't get to sleep. Doesn't matter how tired I am, I just can't sleep. My music isn't helping nor are my audio CDs. I'm afraid that my doctor is going to put me on meds for this problem. This would be bad, most meds react badly with my body/metabolism and I've been working really hard lately to get back to the way I was before my surgery. I don't know if I could handle steps backwards again.

Next month is my birthday. Blah... bad day all around. June will be a sh|t month for me as it is, but I'm sure my birthday will make it even worse.

Well anyway... tales of woe and weird. As always, I love you all. Thanks for listening.

Letting It Out

I have this blog saved from a few weeks back. It was all about Mark and how wonderful he is to me and how I feel very lucky to have met someone who is so kind and compassionate to me... and everyone else he meets. I wrote it but it kinda went on and on and on which made me think that it was showing too much of myself, so I saved it to post at a later date.

As it is I've already spoken of him in other blogs so you basically know how I feel about him. He's someone that I care for on a very deep level. I've offered him something I've never offered someone before and he accepted. Called it an honor. Told me there were only two things he wanted in this life and I was one of those things.

Now the month of May is almost over and I've not spoken to him at all other than a brief conversation in which he let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. That was nearly three weeks ago. Three weeks in which I've blamed myself for doing something that caused such a gentle person to abandon me like an unwanted kitten. God I know how pathetic that sounds but it's how I feel. I just can't seem to help myself.

Of course my friends have been great. Or the one's that I have told about it anyway. I can't tell Jeffrey, he'd never spoken to him but he liked Mark, said he made me seem more happy then I have been in a long time. Everyone has tried to lift me up... and sometimes it works. I feel better for a while and then I just skip back like a broken record. It's so unlike me.

I've told you in the past how I don't let people (men) in beacause I'm afraid of being hurt. I've told you about past hurts, friends who betrayed me, my ex-husband, some of you know the story of Michael - the hurt that was hardest to get over. You've seen me attempt to get close to people (men) and have heard all the stories of woe. The thing is, I normally bounce back in a day. In fact, the night I met Donal I had a falling out with a guy and just talking to the kindhearted Irishman took me right out of the funk I was about to fall into. But this situation with Mark is a whole different matter.

The one thing all my friends and my doctor agree on is that it makes no sense. For him to one minute think the world of me and then the next not think of me at all. Everyone's got a theory... cold feet, PTSD, met a girl, met a boy. None of them make me feel better. "The Mark I know wouldn't leave someone hanging like this, he cares to much about the feelings of others to be cruel." Is what I say to people. Their response is almost always, "Well isn't that what he's doing?" It's a no win situation. I've lost a friend and someone who could have been so much more. He called it 'someone special.'

So here I sit, like so many other nights, feeling aquamarine. Lonely and alone. Sick and scared. Wishing I could turn off my emotions as well as I used to be able to. Rereading my unpublished blog where I was so happy to have a wonderful guy in my life who was willing to wait for me and feeling shortchanged.

Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.