I Said I'd Never Let It Happen Again

And yet it has. And I feel foolish beyond belief and yet I can't be angry.

Years ago I met a guy online. He was a nice enough guy, we had a few things in common and we soon became friends. We were talking on the phone all the time and he even became friendly with my mother and sister. Then, I don't know what happened suddenly he became another person entirely. That is, after several missed attemps at meeting up. My family had invited him to spend Thanksgiving with us at one point, that's how close we were. But now he was totally different and I eventually broke off the friendship. I found out later that all the time he was "courting" me, he was attempting to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. I was hurt but I was glad that I never really got into anything physical. And yet, I'm big enough to say that was happy for him for going after something he wanted.

That experience had me very scared to make friends with anyone over the internet ever again. Then I started using the message boards at tv.com. And it's nearly impossible to become friendly with a lot of the people you meet there. First it was gabfan, then layle, frakker, hoeech, zeo, and so many others. Yet it wasn't the same as with that guy before. It was actually better. These people were like my family. I'm extremely friendly so I tend to put people at ease when they are around me.

Then I met someone. Only one problem.... I just learned that he's not alone. I had made it clear to him that we could only be friends, but he hid this detail about himself from me and I'm hurt. I feel foolish for not seeing it, and I'm mad at myself for opening up to someone yet again. But I just can't be angry. I mean, we were only friends and there were other things that would have kept us from ever being more. But because of his kindness I thought I could be ready to open myself up with a guy (or would meet in the future). I don't really have anyone in mind, I'm talking the hypothetical someone.

What does hurt me is that when I realized he wasn't alone I let him know I knew. In my opinion the cat was out of the bag even if he didn't know I knew. I told him I was happy for him, and requested that he didn't just blow me off after this. I mean, it wasn't really my blunder, right? I know in my heart of hearts that's what will happen. Which makes me sad. Is it worth crying over? Probably not. Am I? Yep. I don't like to be dumped by a friend, especially if I don't deserve it. And I don't. Do I?I value all my friendships. If I call you my friend, make you my friend, then you become someone I honestly care about. I just don't play at these thing. It might sound silly but I can't help but feel something for the people I know.

Yesterday in my tv.com blog I said that I think I'm ready to move on to a new possible future. One where I don't force myself to be alone because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I know, getting hurt is a part of life, but if you heard all of my story you'd understand why I'm so skittish. I know myself, I'll retreat into myself again. I see it happening. I don't like it. It's a defense system I have from my marriage. And as much as I don't like being alone, I don't like being open for hurt. The truly sad part is that if I just want a guy who wants me for what I have or can give them, heck... I could have a dozen tomorrow. But why take something that isn't worthy of the person I am. Which is truly fantastic if I must say so myself.

I just can't find myself being angry at this man because we were/are only friends. So he's got a woman in his life, okay. I'm his friend so I'm happy for him. But I am angry at myself. For allowing myself to feel again, now I don't know what to do with myself. Sure I'll get over the feeling bad sht, but just one word of honesty could have avoided all this and the guy couldn't do it. I'll put the blame on myself for now, although it doesn't belong there, and once I sit and think straight again, I'll pity him for loosing a friend like me. I'd do just about anything for my friend, every last one of them.

Too Much Information

I tend to keep things very 'tight to the vest' when it comes to life. I don't always feel free to talk about my life. I guess it's just a personal thing. When I joined tv.com I didn't know anyone, so keeping a blog was easy. There was nobody reading it so I just put in random stuff and nobody was the wiser. Then suddenly I started making friends and they started to read my blog. After a while I started to feel good enough about the place to talk about my son and my life in general. I know I haven't told everything, but some of the most important things I've talk about. If the mistakes or triumphs I'd had in my life can help someone else out then I'll share.

Yet there's this other side of me that tends to just talk to much. I'll write an email or have a conversation and later I'll think, 'what the hell is wrong with you?' Am I scaring potential friends off by giving too much information about myself? Am I ruining my friendships because I wanna get some stuff out in the open a.s.a.p. so that I can move on from it. Is telling someone I'm divorced and have a teenaged son just days after meeting them coming off like a cry for help?

There's a part of me that feels like it's alright to because I'd like to know similar things about those who I become friends with. I truly care about the lives of all my friends; internet, gaming, real life, and everything in between. But there's also a part of me that feels that if I get it over with right away and they feel they no longer wish to be friends with me because of things that I've told them it will save me heartache in the future.

It's hard to know what's right for someone else, but I know what's right for me.

I'm just glad that I have some of my tv.com friends here with me now, so I'm no longer talking to the wind. SweetPea and Sparkle: Who I am glad to be getting to know better. You're both very special ladies. Hoeech and Frakker: Two of the nicest men of the planet. I honestly love you both with all my heart - in a non-stalkerish way. :)

Untitled - By Me

I'm not really sure where this poem came from. I just started writing and this is what came out. I'm not certain that it's any good, but it seems to make a bit of sense. I thought it would be a good idea to share it and get some opinions. I also posted it on my other blog as well.

Sorry, I'm doing a re-write so I took it down for the moment.

Sexy Men of Film - Part 2

It's been a while since I posted my last sexy man - Gerard Butler. It's only fitting that the second man on my list is from Scotland as well.

David Tennant - Doctor Who, Casanova, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

If if Ain't Broke, We'll Do Something About That

I love TVdotCOM, but recently they've made so many changes it's not the same site any longer. So many of my friends have left the site, so here's a poem in honor of them.

So you love our site,
We'll fix you.
You won't believe,
What we can do.

Screw up the good,
Replace it with bad.
Ruin your fun,
You'll be so sad.

We'll drive this site,
Into the ground.
Soon all the users,
Will no longer be found.

We can break everything,
You know it's true.
Don't you like,
Our accents of blue?

You'll love our improvement,
Of that we are sure.
We did things you - our valued users,
Truly asked for.

Oh wait,
That's not right.
But who gives a damn,
We don't need users to visit this site.

It's Been So Long

It's been a while since I posted anything. I'm not really sure why, I do believe I've had the time. I guess it's not such a bad thing that I've slacked off since I've have kept up my blog on tv.com so I don't feel so badly.

I've finished a ton of books since I wrote last. The latest series I've gotten into is Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga. It's very interesting and well written. I've finished just the first book, I'm waiting for Amazon to deliver the next one, but it was such a nice read. I finished it in about 5 days. Which seems like a long time, but since I have a full-time job, a son, and a house to take care of so to read about 100 pages a day is pretty good for me.

Lords of the Underworld - Book 2

I finished the first book in Gena Showalter's Lords of the Underworld series two weeks ago and today, more than a week before it's official release date, I picked up the second book in the series The Darkest Kiss at Borders.

The first book was even better than I thought it would be so I'm sure I'll love book two as well. This one revolves (mostly) around Lucian the Keeper of Death.

Ms. Showalter has an excellent site for her series, which you can find on the right side of my blog. This series gets my highest praise.

I'll be starting it as soon as I finish the book I am currently reading - Sleeping With the Fishes by MaryJanice Davidson. More on that one once I've finished.