The Way I Am

They say that situations in our lives dictate the person you are. Nobody is an exception to this rule I guess, myself included. However, it is possible to 'break the cycle' as they call it.

I grew up in an abusive household. My father was abused as a child and he grew up to be an abusive father. He had problems - major issues. Yes, I know we all have issues but few people deal with the stuff he did growing up and as an adult. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. He was my father and I loved him, but the man was a f*ck. History tells us that since I was abused as a child I would grow up to be abusive to my son. I am not. That's what they mean by breaking the cycle.

Yet, I did enter into an abusive marriage at a very young age. My ex-husband was never abused as a child, he was just an assh*le. He was a drug addicted bastard. I just don't believe the whole 'drugs make you do things' b.s. that they spout. If it's in your heart to be cruel then you will be. His heart was black, if he had one at all. Most of the time I think he did things to me because I wasn't the person he wanted to be with, a fact he made sure to tell me as often as he could.

I've seen a lot of stuff in this world that would shock you. I've survived and flourished in spite of all that I've lived through. All the things that I've been through could have turned me into a bitter woman, but it didn't. I'm still believe there is good in people. And, as Donal pointed out to me last night, I'm ruled by my heart.

I used to be a very guarded person. You all know this. If you've followed my tv.com blog you've seen my progression into someone who trusts a bit more easily. I'm aware that people lie, although I don't completely understand why, but I tend to judge more on the actions of people as they are toward me than anything they say about themselves. It's what they say about me that I have a hard time with.

I know when guys are saying sh*t to impress you. 'Darrie you have a beautiful voice.' 'Darrie you're incredibly smart.' Things like that. Hey it's nice, I'll take a compliment if it's offered. I know the spirit in which it's given. It's everything else I have trouble knowing if it's true. So I try to look at the actions which come along with the words.

I end up being hurt a lot because I am the way I am. I don't like to admit it. It's a weakness and I hate to show or admit weakness. It's like that aggressive thing Donal pointed out to me a few months ago. I hate admitting to that weakness as well. But I do admit it. I'm ruled by my heart, I want to see the good in people, and I lack the aggression to know when I'm being played. If the first step in a 12 step program is admitting you've got a problem, then that's my first step. Sadly my legs are too short to reach the next rung without help.

As always, I love you all. See you soon.

Thoughts More Random Than Normal

My son always tells me I'm random. I know it's true. I have hundreds of thoughts in my head at any given time so I can't really help it. I've worked on this little problem of mine. Focus Darrie, I'm often telling myself. It's one of the reasons why I often force myself speaking slowly, I'm trying to stick to the topic at hand. It doesn't always work. However, when I'm in a focused mood I often talk to fast for people to understand me.

It's a wonder I ever know what a movie is about because I often think of related topics when I watch. Even now, as I type this, I'm thinking about the food that I'm preparing for dinner tonight, what I'm going to wear tomorrow to work, about my friend Carol who is suffering with the big c at the moment, and a few special men in my life - not least of which is my son. I'm also listening to my iPod at the moment so I'm thinking about the meanings of the songs I'm hearing.

But I'll move on... back to the topic at hand. Randomness.

I got my taxes out just by the skin of my teeth this year. My old accountant retired so I had to get a new one, what a pain in the ass.

I inherited my sisters cat, Gracie, when my sister moved into her new appartment. Charm, my son's cat, does not like her at all. Now they argue over who is gonna come lay in my room. Right now, Charm has won the day. I dunno if I like having two cats, my house isn't huge, especially with my sister's two dogs already living here. I need to do something I think.

I saw Punisher: War Zone yesterday. Bloody. Ever more so than the first one. I'm not really sure which one I liked better, but I do like Ray Stevenson better as Frank Castle. So maybe that gives WZ a leg up. I was going to take Jeffrey to the movies today to see Fast and Furious but he ended up spending the night at a friends house and didn't get home early enough to do so. I will eventually watch Transporter 3 today... gotta love Jason Statham.

I've been avoiding mentioning that my favorite television show of all time was cancelled on April 1st of this year. It will continue it's run until September 18th of this year, but then it's done. Hopefully I'll be in Ireland at that time so maybe I won't notice. I guess 72 years in production isn't bad. :)

Again I'm reading about 4 books at once. Once I finish one, I replace it with another. Only one is a novel so it's taking a little longer to read them all than normal. I hate to admit that but what the hell.

My friends Russell and Amy (they are also followers of this blog) got married last Saturday. I'm so happy for them. Like I said, they give me a bit of hope for the future. My future that is.

I still haven't settled on the type of car I'm gonna buy. I just hate giving up Lord Vader, even though I know it's time for it.

This blasted ear infection I have is driving me mad. I normally have a problem hearing, this is making it worse. Damn ears!

I think I might be outta practice knowing when people/guys are bs'ing me. Now that I've decided to give things in that aspect of life a chance, I never know who is saying stuff to get over and who is saying stuff in a sincere manner. Taking kindness for weakness is a bad way to treat a person.

Ahhh.... too many things to type, not enough time to do it. Gonna go write, talk to you all later.
I love you, as always.

Places I'd Like to Visit in Ireland

When I visit Ireland later this year I will be traveling to County Cork. County Cork is the largest of all the modern counties of Ireland and is the home to several people and families that I know.

According to my various sources there are hundreds of things to see and do in Cork, but since I will only be staying for about 2 weeks this first visit, I've got to limit the amount of things I do there. Therefore I've been looking into 5 or 6 places I'd like to go while I'm in Cork.

1. The Midleton Distillery
2. St. Finbarre's Cathedral
3. Blarney Castle - No kissing of the stone for me however
4. Crookhaven
5. Elizabeth Fort
6. Cork City Gaol

Each of them is different and 3 of them are located within Cork City, which is where I will be staying. I've yet to pick a hotel, but I will be picking from one of the following:

1. Cork International Airport Hotel
2. The Clarion Hotel
3. The Victoria Hotel
4. The Gresham Metropole
5. Rochestown Park Hotel

Of course I've got to look into everything a bit more before I make any decision at all, but I do have a bit of help. Donal has already looked into transport for me. It turns out that they do have 'cars yanks can drive' (as he puts it) there in Ireland, so if I really need one I'll be able to get one.

If you've got any ideas for me, let me know. Any help is appreciated.

Music with Meaning - The Soundtrack of a Life

Ever find yourself listening to certain music when you're feeling in a certain mood? When you're happy, do you listen to upbeat tunes? How about when you're feeling sad, do you realize you've got something slow and sappy on? And when you're driving, does the music you're listening to dictate how aggressively you drive?

I can honestly answer yes to all those questions. When I'm being reflective I normally listen to something like David Wilcox... 'Eye of a Hurricane' is one of those songs that kinda tell the story of my life... as is 'How Did You Find Me Here'. If I'm happy I'll ususally listen to something with a dance beat of some sort. It was recently pointed out to me that I listen to Beyonce a lot when I'm in a good mood. If I'm sad I listen to The Cure a bit too much. And I know for a fact that when I listen to Eminem I drive a lot more aggressively than when I'm listening to Michael Bubble.

I'm very eclectic when it comes to music. I will give any type of music a try at least once. I love when people give me a new artist or song to listen to. One of the nicest things a person could ever do for me would be to give me a CD of songs they enjoy that they're certain I've never heard before. But I digress...

There are songs that remind me of certain people or situations. Almost every song by Madonna reminds me of my cousin Susan, who is a freak for anything Madonna. Kat DeLuna reminds me of Jeffrey because he was the one who introduced me to her music. 'Heard the World' by O.A.R. reminds me of how I used to be about life... I'd love Donal to hear it as well, as I told you, we're similar in a few things. And anything by Senses Fail reminds me of Chris.

Today I heard the song 'Love Who You Love' by Rascal Flatts, which reminds me of something I put in this very blog around Valentine's Day this year. It's basically about how life is short and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone so show/tell those that you love, that you love them. A sentiment I've expressed more than once to anyone who will listen. (hehe) I think I've bored you all to tears about that very thing, and if you read any of my other blogs you've seen it more than once.

I just came back from a walk, I had to clear my head, and I found myself listening to Lifehouse, Death Cab for Cutie, OneRepublic, and The Feeling... my mind when to someone very important to me. When I walk during lunch at work I normally listen to House of Pain, Alien Ant Farm, Destiny's Child, Jean Paul, and Tom Jones. When I'm doing heavy duty cleaning I listen to a mix of Techno that my friend Evan gave me. Ironically at bed time, when I can't sleep, I listen to my favorite audio book readers Dick Hill (with his faux Irish accent) or Phil Gigante (with his various Scottish accents) to help ease myself into a restful slumber. Maybe I need to get Donal or Chris to record something for me. *wink*

So whose part of your life soundtrack?

And by the way.... love you all (as always).

My Apparent Horoscope (s)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
Trying to find a sensible way to accomplish everything you have on your schedule today can be frustrating. It's not that you have loaded up your calendar with too many things to do; rather, each task requires more time and energy than you ever imagined. Keep your emotions in check; if you reveal your irritation to everyone else, it will only bog down your day even further. Just remember, if you can visualize the finish line, then you'll be able to get there eventually.

The Chariot
May your victories be sweet.
Deck: Winged Spirit Tarot
Traditionally, the card usually entitled the Chariot points to a triumphal feeling of freedom, as if the charioteer is being paraded through the streets as a hero (or heroine). The card reflects congratulations for high achievement, and serves as a sign of empowerment. Huge wheels and frisky steeds speed the rate at which the driver's will power can be realized. This kind of charge makes more of the world accessible to one ambitious enough to seize the Chariot's reins. But there is danger in this feeling of freedom, because of the increased rate of change and its power to magnify mistakes in judgment. As a seasoned warrior, the Charioteer is called upon to be extra attentive to the way ahead.

Friendship Compatibility of Cancer with Pisces
This is a friendship that affords great joy and happiness to you both. You love Pisces's movie collection, while they adore your cooking. You admire the Fish's humanitarian principles, while they admire your financial sense. You delight in Pisces's imagination, while they relish your sense of humor. This mutual appreciation society is only bolstered by your many common interests, including swimming, dream interpretation and poetry. Are there any sore spots between you? Well, yes. Pisces's flakiness can hurt your feelings, especially when your pal forgets an appointment, anniversary, or birthday. On the other hand, the Fish sometimes feels that your mothering borders on smothering. If you can manage to forgive each other's weaknesses, you'll form a strong bond that will last for a lifetime.

Love Compatibility of Cancer with Pisces
When Crabs and Fish meet, they understand each other almost immediately. In a way, you are zodiac cousins, living in the same watery world. You share a bond that isn't intellectual - it's based on a shared sensitivity, awareness and compassion. Your Pisces is tuned into your ever-changing moods and emotional needs. Meanwhile, you can sense when your fish is confused or in pain. You can often communicate with each other without even saying a word. Like two peas in a pod, you have what it takes to live together in the garden of eternal happiness.

Number for Today: 3
Your creativity continues to manifest in every area of your life today. A sense of excitement permeates your daily routine, and at times you may lack focus. Clear communication is important today.