Random Snippets of My Life

Wednesday was a bad day for me. The asshole at work was even more annoying and pathetic than usual. I woke with a migraine and dealing with her made it worse. I eventually told the manager that I was leaving. That night I went to pick Jeffrey up at school and as I was leaving the building I didn't realize there was a step outside the door and I fell... mostly on my head... but most of the front of my body is either bruised or cut. Needless to say it was no slight bump on the head. Somehow I was able to drive home but I lost it on the way. The build up of everything that's been happening got to me and I burst into tears. The physical pain I can deal with, but the emotional stress of everything finally boiled over.

There's been so much going on lately that I haven't told anyone about. I just don't feel comfortable doing so right now. Mark would be the one I would talk to but, well that whole situation is compliated. After nearly a month of nothing he came onto Xbox last night and invited me to play a game with him. I figured it was a mistake but joined anyway since I've been playing the game a lot lately. Turns out it wasn't a mistake and eventually we started talking. Again things started to click with us... it made me realize how much he understands me on some levels. I care for this man a great deal, but I felt myself holding back last night. I mean, that could be because my hands are screwed up after my fall but I'm not sure. I'm also not sure when we will talk again, but now I realize I don't have to be down on myself if we don't.

I keep thinking that I've seen 3 films in the theatre recently, but I can only think of 2. I know I saw Wolverine and Star Trek... but I can't remember if there is anything else I saw. I guess because I wanted to see so many of the recent releases I'm blanking on a possible third. I saw Watchmen as well but I'm not sure if I am counting that one in my head. OMG I'm loosing it here. :P

In the past month I have begun forgetting to eat and drink. I'll be writing and look up and it's 5:00 and I've not eaten lunch. Or suddenly it's midnight and I never ate dinner. I'll be goofing off on Xbox and the same thing happens. I've finished my bottle of water and never opened the new one. I don't think this is a good thing. My doctor would actually freak out if he knew it was happening.

I've also had a lot of trouble sleeping. I mean, I normally have a lot of trouble with that, but it's gotten much worse. I went to bed at nearly 2:00 this morning and yet I was wide awake at 6:00. If I try to rest during the day I can't get to sleep. Doesn't matter how tired I am, I just can't sleep. My music isn't helping nor are my audio CDs. I'm afraid that my doctor is going to put me on meds for this problem. This would be bad, most meds react badly with my body/metabolism and I've been working really hard lately to get back to the way I was before my surgery. I don't know if I could handle steps backwards again.

Next month is my birthday. Blah... bad day all around. June will be a sh|t month for me as it is, but I'm sure my birthday will make it even worse.

Well anyway... tales of woe and weird. As always, I love you all. Thanks for listening.

Letting It Out

I have this blog saved from a few weeks back. It was all about Mark and how wonderful he is to me and how I feel very lucky to have met someone who is so kind and compassionate to me... and everyone else he meets. I wrote it but it kinda went on and on and on which made me think that it was showing too much of myself, so I saved it to post at a later date.

As it is I've already spoken of him in other blogs so you basically know how I feel about him. He's someone that I care for on a very deep level. I've offered him something I've never offered someone before and he accepted. Called it an honor. Told me there were only two things he wanted in this life and I was one of those things.

Now the month of May is almost over and I've not spoken to him at all other than a brief conversation in which he let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. That was nearly three weeks ago. Three weeks in which I've blamed myself for doing something that caused such a gentle person to abandon me like an unwanted kitten. God I know how pathetic that sounds but it's how I feel. I just can't seem to help myself.

Of course my friends have been great. Or the one's that I have told about it anyway. I can't tell Jeffrey, he'd never spoken to him but he liked Mark, said he made me seem more happy then I have been in a long time. Everyone has tried to lift me up... and sometimes it works. I feel better for a while and then I just skip back like a broken record. It's so unlike me.

I've told you in the past how I don't let people (men) in beacause I'm afraid of being hurt. I've told you about past hurts, friends who betrayed me, my ex-husband, some of you know the story of Michael - the hurt that was hardest to get over. You've seen me attempt to get close to people (men) and have heard all the stories of woe. The thing is, I normally bounce back in a day. In fact, the night I met Donal I had a falling out with a guy and just talking to the kindhearted Irishman took me right out of the funk I was about to fall into. But this situation with Mark is a whole different matter.

The one thing all my friends and my doctor agree on is that it makes no sense. For him to one minute think the world of me and then the next not think of me at all. Everyone's got a theory... cold feet, PTSD, met a girl, met a boy. None of them make me feel better. "The Mark I know wouldn't leave someone hanging like this, he cares to much about the feelings of others to be cruel." Is what I say to people. Their response is almost always, "Well isn't that what he's doing?" It's a no win situation. I've lost a friend and someone who could have been so much more. He called it 'someone special.'

So here I sit, like so many other nights, feeling aquamarine. Lonely and alone. Sick and scared. Wishing I could turn off my emotions as well as I used to be able to. Rereading my unpublished blog where I was so happy to have a wonderful guy in my life who was willing to wait for me and feeling shortchanged.

Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.

Thank You Ever So

The last few weeks have been rough on me. I don't mind when things in life change, it happens. But when things happen with no rhyme or reason it throws me. So I've been thrown for a loop and it's taken its toll on me. In the midst of all this happening, the 3rd 'anniversary' of my operation took place which made the screwed up emotions I've been feeling even worse.

Friday night I was just awful. I was good for most of the night and then I found that I just couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt lost and alone. Three years being strong for everyone even when I didn't feel it inside is a little harder than it might seem. The ever so nice Donal came to my rescue. This is one of the reasons why I call him friend.

There are some things that are beyone even Donal's expertise. I've lost my confidence and I wasn't sure how was gonna get it back. Suddenly, out of the blue, a friend I've not spoken to in a while appeared and put me to rights again. 'Darrie you don't realize what a beautiful person you are. Your heart is pure. Everyone who meets you ends up liking you, and that's without seeing how lovely you are. Any man who can't deal with your intensity and passion isn't worth your time.' I needed that more than you could understand.

This whole situation still has me at wits end, but I don't feel so down on myself now. My lovely friends have taken care of me, like you always do. As always, I love you all... thank you ever so.

My XBox 360 Bio - Currently

Some people just don't know their way to the light.
Some see only darkness.
Some people, too soon give up the fight.
Some never learn the difference.
Sometimes we see others in the light we create for them - never seeing their darkness.
Sometimes we hide from the fight - dark and light making no difference.

I Can Only Speak for Me

My passport arrived today. I'm excited about my trip, it's been my dream to live in Ireland since I was 12 years old, but it seems things will be a little different than I had been hoping. I just can't get into it right now, it's too fresh in my mind, too painful.

Today I was trying to explain to Donal about me being guarded. How I'm so afraid of being hurt... again. I say things like, 'I have a hard time letting people get close' and 'I don't let people in.' And basically he says that's B.S. because he's seen me put myself out there with people, have told them personal things about myself.

Now, I can only speak for me, but I'm sure most women would say the same thing. Getting close to a person (ie friend) is different than getting close to a man (ie relationship-wise). And even then there are some things I just don't tell people.

I'm open about a great deal in my life. The cancer stuff for instance... although it was only recently that I have been able to talk about the whole story. The fact that was in an abusive relationship is also something I don't mind talking about... I tend to think it helps people understand me more and it also opens people's eyes about things. I talk about having a child at a young age and about my family problems. And I don't mind answering questions... I am capable to deciding what I want people to know and what I'd rather they don't ask me.

But men are different. Sure I can tell a man stuff but it takes a lot of work on his part to hear the whole story. It's one of the ways I judge what he's after. It was my friend Chris who told me that eventually I was gonna have to let the walls come down and get rid of my armor. 'You've gonna let someone in.' I just don't wanna be hurt and whenever I let someone close, it's what happens.

I think I also sabotage potential relationships because of this fear I have. I back off when I shouldn't or become too attached. I've talked about that before so I won't get into it. I'm too darn independent... probably because I've kept myself alone for so long.

I'm getting off topic and ahead of myself now. Too many thoughts in my head at the moment. I've a need to know how things work. I like to take apart broken things and see what made them the way they are. Broken relationships are the same way. I need to know what broke them and learn to never break something that way again. Because my heart has been broken am I afraid to let someone in and see what made me that way to begin with... not fair really, since I'm the one who likes to study things as much as possible. As Donal says, I over analyse things too much. Blah... he's right.

Anyway, going for a run... as always, I love you all.

I Who Have Nothing....

For days I've been trying to write something. Anything at all really, but it seems my muse has taken a break. I have started and stopped this blog so many times, it's sad. Last night I was talking to Donal and he mentioned that he looks for the green, the color for his name, and then starts reading. So... Hi Donal, how ya doing my friend?

The title of the blog is a song from the musical Smokey Joe's Cafe, and was probably my favorite song from the show. It also reminds me a bit of Donal... well something he said once.

In the song, the singer is telling how he's in love with this person but he's got nothing to offer her. He sings how the man she is with can give her everything she wants and take her all the places she wants to go, but basically that man will never love her the way he does. Maybe praphrasing the saying, money can't buy you happiness.

So anyway Donal once said, 'I ain't got sh*t,' kinda like the guy in the song. But when this man finally falls in love, nobody will ever love that girl the way he will, because when you've got nothing the only thing you have to give is love. Besides, Donal is a good guy so he'd do that anyway. I'm gonna find him a nice American girl to love... any takers?

I know just want it means to have nothing. I'd give up every little thing I have for a great love like they sing about in the song. I'd give the man I love the world, if I could. Though not with things but with actions. He'd never want for anything, ever.

I think I'm a bit obsessed with love (or intense like) at the moment because both Russell and SG recently told me I was the object of someone's love. I've actually beaten around the bush about it for a long while in 2 of my blogs, but I've been a little afraid to come out and talk about it. Maybe I'm weird but I had this feeling like I'd jinx myself. But it seems I didn't have to jinx myself because the world has done it for me.

A while ago Donal introduced me to a friend of his... Mark. You've read about him here. He's amazing. Or, in Irish terms, he's grand. I have fallen head over heals for him.... something I'd never thought would happen in my life. He's completely and utterly fantastic, mismatched socks and all. I could go on and on but it might take a long time to tell you everything. Yet as I said, the world has done for me what I didn't do myself.

On April 25th Mark witnessed a terrible accident in which a woman lost her life... he's not been the same since then. We've barely spoken but a few sentences to each other since that day. A far cry from what was happening prior to that night. I'm hurting. I feel badly for myself, but I feel just as bad for him. Stuff like that takes it's toll on a person, especially if you don't deal with it on some level. I sit here wondering if I've done something wrong, maybe didn't say the right thing to him when he told me what happened. Or maybe I said something completely wrong in those short conversations.

Me being me, with the voices in my head, I also start to question myself on a different level, like maybe he's decided I'm not worth the time, effort, or wait. Still, I just can't believe the man who said so many incredible things to me one day would decide they were wrong the very next. That's just not the Mark I've come to know. I mean, if I wasn't worth the effort he wouldn't have put it in, he wouldn't have taken the time.

Everyone has told me I'm over-reacting. My doctor, Russell, and even Donal, who finally I had the courage to tell about Mark and I, have all said that he's gotta deal with what happened and then he will find his way back. See what I mean when I say Mark brings out my girly side?

In the meantime, I Who Have Nothing continues to play in my head... along with all the songs that remind me of Mark.

"I'm just a no one with nothing to give you but, oh...."

Well that's it. It's taken me all day long to write this. I'm not sure what the posting time will say, but it's 10:15 PM here right now. Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.