Letting It Out

I have this blog saved from a few weeks back. It was all about Mark and how wonderful he is to me and how I feel very lucky to have met someone who is so kind and compassionate to me... and everyone else he meets. I wrote it but it kinda went on and on and on which made me think that it was showing too much of myself, so I saved it to post at a later date.

As it is I've already spoken of him in other blogs so you basically know how I feel about him. He's someone that I care for on a very deep level. I've offered him something I've never offered someone before and he accepted. Called it an honor. Told me there were only two things he wanted in this life and I was one of those things.

Now the month of May is almost over and I've not spoken to him at all other than a brief conversation in which he let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. That was nearly three weeks ago. Three weeks in which I've blamed myself for doing something that caused such a gentle person to abandon me like an unwanted kitten. God I know how pathetic that sounds but it's how I feel. I just can't seem to help myself.

Of course my friends have been great. Or the one's that I have told about it anyway. I can't tell Jeffrey, he'd never spoken to him but he liked Mark, said he made me seem more happy then I have been in a long time. Everyone has tried to lift me up... and sometimes it works. I feel better for a while and then I just skip back like a broken record. It's so unlike me.

I've told you in the past how I don't let people (men) in beacause I'm afraid of being hurt. I've told you about past hurts, friends who betrayed me, my ex-husband, some of you know the story of Michael - the hurt that was hardest to get over. You've seen me attempt to get close to people (men) and have heard all the stories of woe. The thing is, I normally bounce back in a day. In fact, the night I met Donal I had a falling out with a guy and just talking to the kindhearted Irishman took me right out of the funk I was about to fall into. But this situation with Mark is a whole different matter.

The one thing all my friends and my doctor agree on is that it makes no sense. For him to one minute think the world of me and then the next not think of me at all. Everyone's got a theory... cold feet, PTSD, met a girl, met a boy. None of them make me feel better. "The Mark I know wouldn't leave someone hanging like this, he cares to much about the feelings of others to be cruel." Is what I say to people. Their response is almost always, "Well isn't that what he's doing?" It's a no win situation. I've lost a friend and someone who could have been so much more. He called it 'someone special.'

So here I sit, like so many other nights, feeling aquamarine. Lonely and alone. Sick and scared. Wishing I could turn off my emotions as well as I used to be able to. Rereading my unpublished blog where I was so happy to have a wonderful guy in my life who was willing to wait for me and feeling shortchanged.

Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.