I Can Only Speak for Me

My passport arrived today. I'm excited about my trip, it's been my dream to live in Ireland since I was 12 years old, but it seems things will be a little different than I had been hoping. I just can't get into it right now, it's too fresh in my mind, too painful.

Today I was trying to explain to Donal about me being guarded. How I'm so afraid of being hurt... again. I say things like, 'I have a hard time letting people get close' and 'I don't let people in.' And basically he says that's B.S. because he's seen me put myself out there with people, have told them personal things about myself.

Now, I can only speak for me, but I'm sure most women would say the same thing. Getting close to a person (ie friend) is different than getting close to a man (ie relationship-wise). And even then there are some things I just don't tell people.

I'm open about a great deal in my life. The cancer stuff for instance... although it was only recently that I have been able to talk about the whole story. The fact that was in an abusive relationship is also something I don't mind talking about... I tend to think it helps people understand me more and it also opens people's eyes about things. I talk about having a child at a young age and about my family problems. And I don't mind answering questions... I am capable to deciding what I want people to know and what I'd rather they don't ask me.

But men are different. Sure I can tell a man stuff but it takes a lot of work on his part to hear the whole story. It's one of the ways I judge what he's after. It was my friend Chris who told me that eventually I was gonna have to let the walls come down and get rid of my armor. 'You've gonna let someone in.' I just don't wanna be hurt and whenever I let someone close, it's what happens.

I think I also sabotage potential relationships because of this fear I have. I back off when I shouldn't or become too attached. I've talked about that before so I won't get into it. I'm too darn independent... probably because I've kept myself alone for so long.

I'm getting off topic and ahead of myself now. Too many thoughts in my head at the moment. I've a need to know how things work. I like to take apart broken things and see what made them the way they are. Broken relationships are the same way. I need to know what broke them and learn to never break something that way again. Because my heart has been broken am I afraid to let someone in and see what made me that way to begin with... not fair really, since I'm the one who likes to study things as much as possible. As Donal says, I over analyse things too much. Blah... he's right.

Anyway, going for a run... as always, I love you all.