I wrote this poem a long time ago, but it still fits today. It actually has a great deal to do with the blog I wrote yesterday so I thought I'd share. It's called Hollow... enjoy.
There’s a place deep inside me,
Where no one ever goes,
A place that is empty,
A place that no one knows.
For me it’s kind of scary,
This hollow deep inside,
Yet I’m forever wary,
To push my fears aside.
To let somebody get that near,
And see my hidden place,
To make the hollow disappear,
And leave not the slightest trace.
Of the hollow in my heart,
Which is trembling within,
But I am asking you to start,
Begging you to begin….
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Reawaken/Assertiveness (Written under the influence of Vicodin)
In real life I'm this person who pushes down her feelings... doesn't let too many people in... puts up walls and puts on armor.
Not too long ago someone came into my life and reawakened a part of me that I've been hiding for so long. That part of me that I've been afraid to share with anyone. I thought that we would become great friends, but he turned out to be someone that I couldn't respect. You might recall me having a little 'break down' because I had felt betrayed. Typical me, I didn't tell this guy that I thought he was a jerk for treating me poorly (not to mention his unsuspecting wife). No, I did the opposite. I guess Donal is right when he says I'm not assertive.
Maybe part of me didn't say anything to that guy because in the end he did me a favor in a strange way. It took a few days (normally it's a day for me to recover from shit) but I bounced back. No harm no foul really... I never crossed my personal lines and never let him break down my walls, so all was good. But it did leave me open and willing to allow someone to get inside.
I've attempted to let people in since then. My friend and her husband set me up on a blind date not too long after that. Needless to say the guy couldn't handle the person I am. Again, you might recall me saying that 'I'm Loud' in one of my previous blogs. We went to a pub by my job for dinner, the four of us, and this date didn't like the fact that I laughed loud and spoke with authority. So it didn't end on a happy note, and I had to give my friend a piece of my mind the next day. But again, I didn't let the little shit of a man know that he was in the wrong.... yeah, not assertive. You're right Donal.
So those darn walls I have remained intact. My armor not at all in danger of falling off. Funny though, I felt good about the situation. Heck, getting me to make any kind of commitment other than friendship is going to be a Herculean task for some men... and there are few truly up to that task. There's a whole lot of weird baggage that comes with me and not many man could ever understand it. Then there's that whole, 'come closer, get away' thing I have that would drive most men insane. That's probably where I'm most assertive in normal life... not talking personal life (if you understand what I mean).
Sure, I can tell you guys (speaking to the men I know) that I love you, but in my head I continue the thought with 'as a friend.' Or I'll say something like, 'it's a good thing I like you,' which always ends up being misunderstood... but I have always just meant 'as a friend.' It takes a whole lot to get past the walls and under the armor. Recently I've let two extremely wonderful friends peek behind the armor, but I've always been sure to pull it back up as soon as I knew I was getting out of my head. I admit, not an easy thing to do since I have so much respect for them as human beings and men. I'm pretty sure Donal would also classify this as not being assertive.
I form certain attachments quickly because I know what I like and know what I want in my life almost instantly. I met Riley and fell head over heals for that young man. (Not in a sexual way, he's my other son). I knew right away that he was special. I can say the same thing about Donal. I met him on a day I was feeling kinda down and the first thing he told me was, 'beauty... F 'em.' I instantly felt better. I also heard him talk (not referring to his accent) and knew this was an amazingly gifted man, the type of person I love to have for a friend. Amy, Russell, and Chris are also people who I became attached to right away, not to mention my friends Joe (both Joe's in fact), Tom, and Fernando.
So an aspect of my life has been reawakened, although I'm not sure what to do with it at this point execpt leave myself open for heartache. Hey, I beat agoraphobia, depression, an abusive husband, the call of the banshee, and the big C... heartache should be child's play right? Although I've had that once too... heartache. (A story for another time).
Now it's time to learn to be assertive. In all things, not just when it's easy and I can get away with it. Yeah it's easy to walk all over the idiot women in the 'Committee' or the ignorant jerk I work with. It's also extremely easy to talk down to the big boss who I have no respect for and the sales people who treat us like their slaves. I can be the bitch then. But well... that's not enough. I'm too laid back... cuz if I wasn't I wouldn't let the thoughts someone planted in my head recently weigh on me. Ugh, I can't even type those in here. Where's Donal when I need him? Ah yes, bed... where I should be. Vicodin is making me sleepy and I think my thoughts are jumbled.
I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead before I start making sappy confessions of like... or even love. Aside from telling Riley I love him that is. It's a danger with this new reawakening, isn't it? And it certainly would be assertive. Yes?
Not too long ago someone came into my life and reawakened a part of me that I've been hiding for so long. That part of me that I've been afraid to share with anyone. I thought that we would become great friends, but he turned out to be someone that I couldn't respect. You might recall me having a little 'break down' because I had felt betrayed. Typical me, I didn't tell this guy that I thought he was a jerk for treating me poorly (not to mention his unsuspecting wife). No, I did the opposite. I guess Donal is right when he says I'm not assertive.
Maybe part of me didn't say anything to that guy because in the end he did me a favor in a strange way. It took a few days (normally it's a day for me to recover from shit) but I bounced back. No harm no foul really... I never crossed my personal lines and never let him break down my walls, so all was good. But it did leave me open and willing to allow someone to get inside.
I've attempted to let people in since then. My friend and her husband set me up on a blind date not too long after that. Needless to say the guy couldn't handle the person I am. Again, you might recall me saying that 'I'm Loud' in one of my previous blogs. We went to a pub by my job for dinner, the four of us, and this date didn't like the fact that I laughed loud and spoke with authority. So it didn't end on a happy note, and I had to give my friend a piece of my mind the next day. But again, I didn't let the little shit of a man know that he was in the wrong.... yeah, not assertive. You're right Donal.
So those darn walls I have remained intact. My armor not at all in danger of falling off. Funny though, I felt good about the situation. Heck, getting me to make any kind of commitment other than friendship is going to be a Herculean task for some men... and there are few truly up to that task. There's a whole lot of weird baggage that comes with me and not many man could ever understand it. Then there's that whole, 'come closer, get away' thing I have that would drive most men insane. That's probably where I'm most assertive in normal life... not talking personal life (if you understand what I mean).
Sure, I can tell you guys (speaking to the men I know) that I love you, but in my head I continue the thought with 'as a friend.' Or I'll say something like, 'it's a good thing I like you,' which always ends up being misunderstood... but I have always just meant 'as a friend.' It takes a whole lot to get past the walls and under the armor. Recently I've let two extremely wonderful friends peek behind the armor, but I've always been sure to pull it back up as soon as I knew I was getting out of my head. I admit, not an easy thing to do since I have so much respect for them as human beings and men. I'm pretty sure Donal would also classify this as not being assertive.
I form certain attachments quickly because I know what I like and know what I want in my life almost instantly. I met Riley and fell head over heals for that young man. (Not in a sexual way, he's my other son). I knew right away that he was special. I can say the same thing about Donal. I met him on a day I was feeling kinda down and the first thing he told me was, 'beauty... F 'em.' I instantly felt better. I also heard him talk (not referring to his accent) and knew this was an amazingly gifted man, the type of person I love to have for a friend. Amy, Russell, and Chris are also people who I became attached to right away, not to mention my friends Joe (both Joe's in fact), Tom, and Fernando.
So an aspect of my life has been reawakened, although I'm not sure what to do with it at this point execpt leave myself open for heartache. Hey, I beat agoraphobia, depression, an abusive husband, the call of the banshee, and the big C... heartache should be child's play right? Although I've had that once too... heartache. (A story for another time).
Now it's time to learn to be assertive. In all things, not just when it's easy and I can get away with it. Yeah it's easy to walk all over the idiot women in the 'Committee' or the ignorant jerk I work with. It's also extremely easy to talk down to the big boss who I have no respect for and the sales people who treat us like their slaves. I can be the bitch then. But well... that's not enough. I'm too laid back... cuz if I wasn't I wouldn't let the thoughts someone planted in my head recently weigh on me. Ugh, I can't even type those in here. Where's Donal when I need him? Ah yes, bed... where I should be. Vicodin is making me sleepy and I think my thoughts are jumbled.
I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead before I start making sappy confessions of like... or even love. Aside from telling Riley I love him that is. It's a danger with this new reawakening, isn't it? And it certainly would be assertive. Yes?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Personal Philosophy
This is my personal philosophy and in no way an indication on how you should think or feel, but it may help you to understand yourself and those around you better. Or at least understand me.
1. Never tell someone what you think they want to hear.
2. Never forget the past, but learn from it. It is when we do not learn from the past that we are doomed to repeat it.
3. Love everyone. Or feel nothing for them at all.
4. Make children your friends, for they keep us young.
5. Know that beauty is only skin deep and is certain to fade.
6. Find a color you hate, and wear it.
7. Know when to hide your feelings from others. When to share them. And when to be stoic.
8. Remember that the distance of the heart can transcend the distance between two people.
9. Realize that the people from our past affect how we treat people in the future, no matter how much we hate to admit it.
10. Like someone for who they are. (Like me for me).
11. Be a shoulder for someone to lean on, you may need one yourself one day.
12. Know when to make the tough choice.
13. Know that all creatures are important.
14. Always tell people that you love them, this time may be your last opportunity.
15. Learn something new each day. Teach something to someone each day as well.
16. Remember kind words from others, they help you when you are at your lowest.
17. Have strong armor when it comes to the really important things.
18. Know that age is nothing but a number.
19. Remember that feelings are your own creation.
20. People are going to talk about you no matter what so screw 'em.
21. When all else fails… SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE.
1. Never tell someone what you think they want to hear.
2. Never forget the past, but learn from it. It is when we do not learn from the past that we are doomed to repeat it.
3. Love everyone. Or feel nothing for them at all.
4. Make children your friends, for they keep us young.
5. Know that beauty is only skin deep and is certain to fade.
6. Find a color you hate, and wear it.
7. Know when to hide your feelings from others. When to share them. And when to be stoic.
8. Remember that the distance of the heart can transcend the distance between two people.
9. Realize that the people from our past affect how we treat people in the future, no matter how much we hate to admit it.
10. Like someone for who they are. (Like me for me).
11. Be a shoulder for someone to lean on, you may need one yourself one day.
12. Know when to make the tough choice.
13. Know that all creatures are important.
14. Always tell people that you love them, this time may be your last opportunity.
15. Learn something new each day. Teach something to someone each day as well.
16. Remember kind words from others, they help you when you are at your lowest.
17. Have strong armor when it comes to the really important things.
18. Know that age is nothing but a number.
19. Remember that feelings are your own creation.
20. People are going to talk about you no matter what so screw 'em.
21. When all else fails… SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Come Closer... Now Get Away
Well, I got another one of those question thingies. I dunno what else to write at the moment so this seemed like a good thing to post. Love you all, as always.
Weird Stuff
1. One word someone has used to describe you lately: Muppet
2. One word you've used to describe someone else: Grand
3. Who were you talking about: Donal - he's also the person who called me a Muppet
4. Who is this person: My friend
5. Last person you spoke to in real life: Jeffrey
6. Last person you spoke to online: Donal
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone: Jeffrey
8. What color is your car: Gold
9. What color is your house: White
10. What color are you wearing today: Black
Love Stuff
1. Are you in love: No
2. Is someone in love with you: No
3. Have you ever been in love: Once
4. Does this person know it: He did
5. Last time you told someone you loved them: I don't think my son counts in this one
6. Name something you love: Music
7. What do people love about you: I'm 'sweet'
8. Do you love me: Not for much longer if this doesn't end soon
9. Do I love you: We're related so I think so
10. Describe love using one word: Complicated
Stuff About You
1. Can you cook: Yes
2. Can you sew: No... I suck
3. Can you drive: Yes
4. Can you dance: Yes
5. Can you read: Unfortunately, after this I'm thinking of giving it up
6. Can you sing: Everyone can, just not everyone does it well
7. Can you give blood: I've had practice... I no longer faint
8. Can you do anything special: Depends on who you ask
9. Can you swim: Like a fish
10. Can you give me Five Bucks: If it will keep you from sending me these things, yes
Have You Ever... Stuff
1. Kissed someone of the same sex: No
2. Been to another country: Canada when I was a baby
3. Been in a car accident: Yes
4. Thought of someone else during sex: Umm... maybe - it's complex
5. Been too drunk to drive: Never... I don't normally drink
6. Used drugs: Only what the doctors give me
7. Wanted something that didn't belong to you: Sure
8. Lie about your age: No reason to... is that a dig by the way?
9. Had sex outside: Umm... maybe
10. Lied that you loved someone: Nope, it wouldn't be right
Final Thoughts
1. Say something nice about the people from part one:
Jeffrey - A truly wonderful human being
Donal - A remarkable man who I feel lucky to have as a friend
Darrie - I'm okay with the person I am, flaws and all
2. Anyone else you'd like to say nice things about:
Chris - He may be the sweetest man in all of Scotland
Riley - He's like a son to me
Russell & Amy - The cutest couple on the planet
Sean - Very Charming
Weird Stuff
1. One word someone has used to describe you lately: Muppet
2. One word you've used to describe someone else: Grand
3. Who were you talking about: Donal - he's also the person who called me a Muppet
4. Who is this person: My friend
5. Last person you spoke to in real life: Jeffrey
6. Last person you spoke to online: Donal
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone: Jeffrey
8. What color is your car: Gold
9. What color is your house: White
10. What color are you wearing today: Black
Love Stuff
1. Are you in love: No
2. Is someone in love with you: No
3. Have you ever been in love: Once
4. Does this person know it: He did
5. Last time you told someone you loved them: I don't think my son counts in this one
6. Name something you love: Music
7. What do people love about you: I'm 'sweet'
8. Do you love me: Not for much longer if this doesn't end soon
9. Do I love you: We're related so I think so
10. Describe love using one word: Complicated
Stuff About You
1. Can you cook: Yes
2. Can you sew: No... I suck
3. Can you drive: Yes
4. Can you dance: Yes
5. Can you read: Unfortunately, after this I'm thinking of giving it up
6. Can you sing: Everyone can, just not everyone does it well
7. Can you give blood: I've had practice... I no longer faint
8. Can you do anything special: Depends on who you ask
9. Can you swim: Like a fish
10. Can you give me Five Bucks: If it will keep you from sending me these things, yes
Have You Ever... Stuff
1. Kissed someone of the same sex: No
2. Been to another country: Canada when I was a baby
3. Been in a car accident: Yes
4. Thought of someone else during sex: Umm... maybe - it's complex
5. Been too drunk to drive: Never... I don't normally drink
6. Used drugs: Only what the doctors give me
7. Wanted something that didn't belong to you: Sure
8. Lie about your age: No reason to... is that a dig by the way?
9. Had sex outside: Umm... maybe
10. Lied that you loved someone: Nope, it wouldn't be right
Final Thoughts
1. Say something nice about the people from part one:
Jeffrey - A truly wonderful human being
Donal - A remarkable man who I feel lucky to have as a friend
Darrie - I'm okay with the person I am, flaws and all
2. Anyone else you'd like to say nice things about:
Chris - He may be the sweetest man in all of Scotland
Riley - He's like a son to me
Russell & Amy - The cutest couple on the planet
Sean - Very Charming
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Did You Know?
1. Did you know… that most women who are victims of physical abuse fail to report the abuse for fear of retribution from their abuser?
2. Did you know… that in Thailand there is a beauty contest that requires the participants to be at least 175lbs or over?
3. Did you know… that muggers are most likely to choose as their victims’ women who walk with their heads facing the ground? As they are viewed as easy targets.
4. Did you know… that on the Fiji Islands there was no such thing as anorexia until they started getting American Television?
5. Did you know… that only one in ten men suffers from impotence due to a physical problem?
6. Did you know… that in public restrooms the toilet closest to the door is used the least, therefore having the least germs in it.
7. Did you know… that in the United States alone, there are 1,201 endangered plant and animal species?
8. Did you know… that in the United States, one boy is circumcised every 26 seconds?
9. Did you know… that obsessive-compulsive disorder could start as early as 2 years of age?
10. Did you know… that some women feel that if a man buys them dinner that gives him the right to expect for sex afterwards?
As always, love you all.
2. Did you know… that in Thailand there is a beauty contest that requires the participants to be at least 175lbs or over?
3. Did you know… that muggers are most likely to choose as their victims’ women who walk with their heads facing the ground? As they are viewed as easy targets.
4. Did you know… that on the Fiji Islands there was no such thing as anorexia until they started getting American Television?
5. Did you know… that only one in ten men suffers from impotence due to a physical problem?
6. Did you know… that in public restrooms the toilet closest to the door is used the least, therefore having the least germs in it.
7. Did you know… that in the United States alone, there are 1,201 endangered plant and animal species?
8. Did you know… that in the United States, one boy is circumcised every 26 seconds?
9. Did you know… that obsessive-compulsive disorder could start as early as 2 years of age?
10. Did you know… that some women feel that if a man buys them dinner that gives him the right to expect for sex afterwards?
As always, love you all.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
All The Things You've Said
The past two months I've had a bunch of really nice or funny things said to me. I dunno if much of it is true, but I'll go with it either way. Some of them are really for my eyes only and I'll keep it that way, but here's a few I can share. You probably will not all know the people who said them, but you might see your own name...
Mark B.: (we no longer talk) You have a nice voice, calm and sweet... something I can listen to all night long.
Riley: (about one of our friends) Crzy wants to see my hot naked bod.
Chris: I'm not givin' up that easily... believe me.
Donal: (at 4:30 in the morning) lol sleep.
Joe: (after me being happy for several days) You're glowing.
Jeffrey: (about someone else on the list) I think I like that friend of yours.
Russell: (when I said I'm scared of relationships) You're like my sister, I'll protect you.
Amy: (after someone tried to make me feel small) You're nice... don't say bad things about you!
Sean: (after I told him I felt sad) You're a kind and intelligent woman.
Spartan: (after I got excited about killing mutants) I like this girl!
Steve: (when I told him I was Irish and Italian) This is my kind of girl.
Dave: (we don't talk any longer either) I could help you with that...
Riley: (comparing me to someone else)....and you're kind, sweet, caring Darrie.
Hmmm.... nice thoughts there.
Also, you'll notice that I changed the colors of this thing. I like orange and black a great deal, plus I thought the green would look nice with it. Okay, so it's Halloween colors... I don't mind.
As always, love you all.
Mark B.: (we no longer talk) You have a nice voice, calm and sweet... something I can listen to all night long.
Riley: (about one of our friends) Crzy wants to see my hot naked bod.
Chris: I'm not givin' up that easily... believe me.
Donal: (at 4:30 in the morning) lol sleep.
Joe: (after me being happy for several days) You're glowing.
Jeffrey: (about someone else on the list) I think I like that friend of yours.
Russell: (when I said I'm scared of relationships) You're like my sister, I'll protect you.
Amy: (after someone tried to make me feel small) You're nice... don't say bad things about you!
Sean: (after I told him I felt sad) You're a kind and intelligent woman.
Spartan: (after I got excited about killing mutants) I like this girl!
Steve: (when I told him I was Irish and Italian) This is my kind of girl.
Dave: (we don't talk any longer either) I could help you with that...
Riley: (comparing me to someone else)....and you're kind, sweet, caring Darrie.
Hmmm.... nice thoughts there.
Also, you'll notice that I changed the colors of this thing. I like orange and black a great deal, plus I thought the green would look nice with it. Okay, so it's Halloween colors... I don't mind.
As always, love you all.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Darrie is Afraid of Ants
Yeah, it's true. I've got this huge unnatural fear of ants. I can take almost any other bug, but ants.... ick! Maybe it's because they're all over the place. I don't really know. I also dislike termites and slugs... barf! Ants are by far the worst however, and in the Summer our company is like an ant magnet. It's gotta be all that damn paper we have. I had to pick a newspaper company as my employer, didn't I.
I don't really have too much to say here today. I'm in a party chat with Donal, only he's fallen asleep. It's about 2 in the morning in his part of the world. He was so tired when we started talking, I feel kinda bad that he stuck around to talk to me for as long as he did. Not because he fell asleep on me, that I don't really mind (although he's a quiet sleeper), but because he can't be comfortable there with his headset on. Even his avatar is yawning and stretching. I took a picture of it and added it down below... replacing my ear.
I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty... 3AM. That seems a bit on the appropriate side right now. :)
As always, I love you all.
I don't really have too much to say here today. I'm in a party chat with Donal, only he's fallen asleep. It's about 2 in the morning in his part of the world. He was so tired when we started talking, I feel kinda bad that he stuck around to talk to me for as long as he did. Not because he fell asleep on me, that I don't really mind (although he's a quiet sleeper), but because he can't be comfortable there with his headset on. Even his avatar is yawning and stretching. I took a picture of it and added it down below... replacing my ear.
I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty... 3AM. That seems a bit on the appropriate side right now. :)
As always, I love you all.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
When Irish Eyes are Smiling
I've been writing a series of stories over the past few weeks. My long term goal is to combine them into one long story. I've decided to set it in Ireland and New York. Since I'm from New York I don't think I'll have any trouble with that aspect of it. I'll rely on Donal to help me with the Ireland portion. He seemed willing so I'm gonna pick his brain as much as he will let me. Hopefully it won't fester and scab. :) Or should that be scab and fester? He's incredibly knowledgeable and has a very sharp wit. I enjoy talking to him a great deal. He's already earned a credit in the story, hopefully that will make him smile.
In honor of the story, here's a picture....
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Things I Love... An Anti-Valentine's Day Post
I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. If you read my tv.com blog you know that I just don't agree with there being one day set aside during the year that makes people feel that they need to show their love for one another. To quote my other blog... If you're in love, shouldn't every month be the month of love? Shouldn't you show the person, or people, that you love how you feel 365 days of the year? Do you really need a month, or a day, to remind you to do that? I believe that wholeheartedly, as you probably notice since I'm always telling you all that I love you. Last night someone wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. It was just a friend being kind, but it was very touching... espeically since he knows how I feel about the whole thing. However, it's kindness like that which gives a person hope for the fate of the world.
Strange that I say that I'm sure, but I have to believe that all small steps can lead to bigger ones. If everyone took a few small steps in the direction of the positive and fewer back to the negative, the world might heal. Or at the very least improve. As I always say, nobody is perfect but everyone strives for perfection. Myself, I've been striving to better myself physically since October when I just said, 'to hell with all this bs... get on with it.' As for mentally, I'm always trying to better myself in that way. I read a whole lot and study most things I become interested in. Sadly I just don't have the stomach for politics. I know all too well that politics is really just a bunch of sound bites that are meant to get you to think the way the person saying them does. Although I am willing to learn, as with everything else, so if you're willing to teach me....
Ahhh... the point of the blog today was supposed to be telling you things that I love. Mind wander much? Yeah so, hmmm, where to start? Ahh, the obvious.. my son. Blah blah blah, talk your ear off about him, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. Although Donal is gonna come over and 'make a proper man outta him.' So that might be new.
Another one which is also obvious... I love you all. My friends and second family. Not to (forget to) mention my friends at home and around the world. God, I know so many people. I miss the people from my English as a Second Language class who have since moved back to their countries, but it's nice hearing from them every now and again. :)
I live on an island now, but for most of my childhood I grew up in the mountains. I love green grass and rolling hills. The clouds grazing the trees and the freshness in the air. It's peaceful to me. It's not that the ocean and the beach isn't grand... I do love to walk the boardwalk (at night) and listen to the waves, it's just not as inviting as green grass.
I love to cook. It's fun for me. I've considered going to culinary school quite a few times. I'd do it for my own benefit though, not to get a job as chef. I'd end up knifing someone who gave me a bad review. :lol: I'd rather just stick to cooking for pleasure and not make it something that I must do. I know a few chefs who hate to cook at home, and that would suck for me if that happened.
Hell there's so many things I can say. How about this... I love my freckly arms and my tiny ears and my devilish laugh. Ya gotta love something about yourself so that's a good place to start.
Love you all. Happy day before the 15th. :)
Strange that I say that I'm sure, but I have to believe that all small steps can lead to bigger ones. If everyone took a few small steps in the direction of the positive and fewer back to the negative, the world might heal. Or at the very least improve. As I always say, nobody is perfect but everyone strives for perfection. Myself, I've been striving to better myself physically since October when I just said, 'to hell with all this bs... get on with it.' As for mentally, I'm always trying to better myself in that way. I read a whole lot and study most things I become interested in. Sadly I just don't have the stomach for politics. I know all too well that politics is really just a bunch of sound bites that are meant to get you to think the way the person saying them does. Although I am willing to learn, as with everything else, so if you're willing to teach me....
Ahhh... the point of the blog today was supposed to be telling you things that I love. Mind wander much? Yeah so, hmmm, where to start? Ahh, the obvious.. my son. Blah blah blah, talk your ear off about him, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. Although Donal is gonna come over and 'make a proper man outta him.' So that might be new.
Another one which is also obvious... I love you all. My friends and second family. Not to (forget to) mention my friends at home and around the world. God, I know so many people. I miss the people from my English as a Second Language class who have since moved back to their countries, but it's nice hearing from them every now and again. :)
I live on an island now, but for most of my childhood I grew up in the mountains. I love green grass and rolling hills. The clouds grazing the trees and the freshness in the air. It's peaceful to me. It's not that the ocean and the beach isn't grand... I do love to walk the boardwalk (at night) and listen to the waves, it's just not as inviting as green grass.
I love to cook. It's fun for me. I've considered going to culinary school quite a few times. I'd do it for my own benefit though, not to get a job as chef. I'd end up knifing someone who gave me a bad review. :lol: I'd rather just stick to cooking for pleasure and not make it something that I must do. I know a few chefs who hate to cook at home, and that would suck for me if that happened.
Hell there's so many things I can say. How about this... I love my freckly arms and my tiny ears and my devilish laugh. Ya gotta love something about yourself so that's a good place to start.
Love you all. Happy day before the 15th. :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
12:14 am And All is Crazy
What on earth am I doing up? I'm playing Uno with Riley. Or rather we are in the Uno room and we're doing other things. I have the best time with him. We were playing with Sean earlier, but he had to go to bed... he's the smart one. I'm the one who has to be up for work in a few hours.
I'm missing Amy and Dave and Chris a bit. Amy's away and well, Dave... I won't even get into that one. Chris is another story all together as well. I talk to him a bit at least, that's saying something. But I'll always have Riley, which is very important to me. Although he and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't tell me because he knew I'd worry about him.
I told Sean and Riley about my cancer thingy, which is a huge step for me. It's not that I hide it, I just always hear the pain in the voices of people when they hear the truth and it makes me a bit sad. Grateful that people care, but sad because I know they wanna help and can't. It's all good actually... me I mean. No worries.
Right now Riley and I are messing with a French dude who is trying to insult us... fun. All I can say is.... OOOPPPs. I'm cryin now I'm laughing so hard.
Hmmm.... gotta go drink some water so I'll say goodbye for now. Love you all. :)
I'm missing Amy and Dave and Chris a bit. Amy's away and well, Dave... I won't even get into that one. Chris is another story all together as well. I talk to him a bit at least, that's saying something. But I'll always have Riley, which is very important to me. Although he and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't tell me because he knew I'd worry about him.
I told Sean and Riley about my cancer thingy, which is a huge step for me. It's not that I hide it, I just always hear the pain in the voices of people when they hear the truth and it makes me a bit sad. Grateful that people care, but sad because I know they wanna help and can't. It's all good actually... me I mean. No worries.
Right now Riley and I are messing with a French dude who is trying to insult us... fun. All I can say is.... OOOPPPs. I'm cryin now I'm laughing so hard.
Hmmm.... gotta go drink some water so I'll say goodbye for now. Love you all. :)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Back in Black
So apparently I've been writing weird sht and freaking people out. Sorry! I feel horrible for making anyone worry. You've gotta understand, sometimes my humor can get a bit dark and it's reflected in my writing. There are times my muse just wants to let loose and I let her take control. That said, you'll never have to worry about me doing something 'bad' to myself. I know how short life is... I don't plan on giving it a hand to get shorter. I've got too much to live for, and too many people that I love who would be affected by something like that. Not the least of which are you, my second family, whom I love to no end. And especially Riley, who is my heart.... in a motherly way that is. My son goes without saying... although I just did.
I have been mentioning Ireland a bit lately. Last night I had a refresher course in the heartache that has taken place in that country over the years. Here in the U.S. we don't learn about the history of Ireland to that extent. The Great Irish Famine we hear about, but not the struggle that continues to take place there. I actually dated a guy from Belfast at one time, so I've heard stories before, but last night it was like my eyes had been open again. And what I saw was heartbreaking. I'm still in love with the country and it's people, but now I've an even greater respect for both.
Chris gave me a few new songs to download... I'm so excited! Who else has something for me, remember, I listen to anything. :) I think I'm heading to Best Buy on Friday to purchase a few CD's that I just have to have.
So see, I'm feeling wonderful still. No need to worry. And just because I haven't mentioned it in a while. I love Riley. :) Love you all...
I have been mentioning Ireland a bit lately. Last night I had a refresher course in the heartache that has taken place in that country over the years. Here in the U.S. we don't learn about the history of Ireland to that extent. The Great Irish Famine we hear about, but not the struggle that continues to take place there. I actually dated a guy from Belfast at one time, so I've heard stories before, but last night it was like my eyes had been open again. And what I saw was heartbreaking. I'm still in love with the country and it's people, but now I've an even greater respect for both.
Chris gave me a few new songs to download... I'm so excited! Who else has something for me, remember, I listen to anything. :) I think I'm heading to Best Buy on Friday to purchase a few CD's that I just have to have.
So see, I'm feeling wonderful still. No need to worry. And just because I haven't mentioned it in a while. I love Riley. :) Love you all...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Karen Marie Moning Has Ruined Most Men for Me
I've always had this bit of an obsession for everything Irish and Scottish. Since I was 12 years old I've wanted to live in Ireland. To be in such a beautiful country with such a full and rich history, it's always been a dream of mine. The fact that it's also 'a hop away' from Scotland helps to make it such a perfect place. To me, that is.
Then I became a fan of author Karen Marie Moning... and she's gone and ruined most men for me. So I've already got this thing for men who are Irish and Scottish, but Karen takes these fantasy men to a whole new level for me. That's saying something because I've already got this perfect fantasy in my head, not to mention a very vivid imagination.
It's unfair really, nobody could really live up to an author's creation. I mean, they make these people perfect for a reason. Karen's 'Highlanders' and 'Fae' are beyond measure. Yet my idea of perfection might be even harder to live up to, because mine has more to do with character than looks. More heart than fortune. More mind than body.
All the same, Karen has ruined most men for me because now can hear another voice in my head telling me that my fantasy is able to be reality.... a very dangerous thing.
Love you all....
Then I became a fan of author Karen Marie Moning... and she's gone and ruined most men for me. So I've already got this thing for men who are Irish and Scottish, but Karen takes these fantasy men to a whole new level for me. That's saying something because I've already got this perfect fantasy in my head, not to mention a very vivid imagination.
It's unfair really, nobody could really live up to an author's creation. I mean, they make these people perfect for a reason. Karen's 'Highlanders' and 'Fae' are beyond measure. Yet my idea of perfection might be even harder to live up to, because mine has more to do with character than looks. More heart than fortune. More mind than body.
All the same, Karen has ruined most men for me because now can hear another voice in my head telling me that my fantasy is able to be reality.... a very dangerous thing.
Love you all....
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Books, Movies, Television, and Music
I'm currently reading two books... or at least attempting to. I've slowed down a whole lot on my reading as of late. For one, the novel I am reading Stay the Night by Lynn Viehl is her last in the current Darkyn series. I really don't want this series to end so I'm prolonging it as much as possible. Secondly, I'm reading Heartbreaker by Bret Hart. Yeah... the former pro-wrestler, that's the one. I'm not too far along in it, but that's mainly because it's pretty sad and therefore takes a lot out of me to read. :\
As for movies... I'm dying to see Push and the most recent addition to the Underworld series. Hopefully I'll get to the theatre to see them, but if not I'm sure they'll be out on DVD soon enough. I watched the 2006 film Bobby earlier today. A bit slow, but so moving. The ending really got to me. Bobby Kennedy was a great man and this film showed how much he meant to the world and the U.S. in general.
I've been slacking on my television watching this second half of the season. I have been able to catch up on How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, and Battlestar Galactica. Right now I'm working on LOST, and will soon follow with Smallville, One Tree Hill, and Bones. I've also missed the last two episodes of Top Chef, but since Bravo seems to rerun their shows so often, I'm not too worried about that one. My friend Mari is dying for me to catch up on two of the shows since I'm her only friend who watches them. Tom and George, however, are huge TC fans and they are waiting for me to catch up with that.
I have been catching up on my new music, however. Between Riley, Dave, and Chris I've added a bunch of stuff to my iTunes Library... and of course my iPod. I think that I need some more stuff though, so if you've got something for me, let me know.
As for movies... I'm dying to see Push and the most recent addition to the Underworld series. Hopefully I'll get to the theatre to see them, but if not I'm sure they'll be out on DVD soon enough. I watched the 2006 film Bobby earlier today. A bit slow, but so moving. The ending really got to me. Bobby Kennedy was a great man and this film showed how much he meant to the world and the U.S. in general.
I've been slacking on my television watching this second half of the season. I have been able to catch up on How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, and Battlestar Galactica. Right now I'm working on LOST, and will soon follow with Smallville, One Tree Hill, and Bones. I've also missed the last two episodes of Top Chef, but since Bravo seems to rerun their shows so often, I'm not too worried about that one. My friend Mari is dying for me to catch up on two of the shows since I'm her only friend who watches them. Tom and George, however, are huge TC fans and they are waiting for me to catch up with that.
I have been catching up on my new music, however. Between Riley, Dave, and Chris I've added a bunch of stuff to my iTunes Library... and of course my iPod. I think that I need some more stuff though, so if you've got something for me, let me know.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Take Me or Leave Me - It's the End of the World as We Know It
And I feel fine. :) That song has been stuck in my head for a few weeks now. It's gotten so bad that now Riley and Russell sing it with me. We just need one more member of our little band and we can cut a deal. Haha.... never, we don't sound that good.
Well today's blog is again about me. Tired of learning new things yet? I say stick with what you know, and since I've been slacking on my television and movie watching, not to mention my reading, talking about myself might be best. I could give you all a bunch of trivia about mythology from around the world, but something tells me you wouldn't be interested. :) Again, that's assuming that you're interested in reading about me. It's just a bunch of random sh*t, so feel free to skip what you already know. If there is anything.
You'll always have to excuse me when I send you an email or write a blog. I never pay too much attention to grammar or spelling. I tend to write as if I were talking to you, so you can better hear my tone in the words you're reading. It's not proper, I know, but it's just how I am.
**side note, I just went to move my car and guess what is playing on the radio!!**
Let's dance! I love to. How much fun is it to just jump around and be crazy? I'm always doing it. In my car, at my desk, just walking through the office. I don't really need music - as if you couldn't have guessed that - but it does make things a bit more interesting. You don't have to be good to have a good time, and I always do. Hmm... that makes me sound as if I'm not good. You're not gonna see me in Usher's next video, but I can hold my own. My son, on the other hand is a fantastic dancer. He's had a great deal of training. Me on the other hand... just ballet.
Speaking of my son... He is the love of my life. The apple of my blue eyes. I know everyone always talks about how their kids are great, and they very well should, but if he wasn't my son I'd still think he was a wonderful person. He's truly a great human being. Kind, caring, and very open with his feelings. He's a leader among his peers, and quite respected by every adult who knows him. I often am told by the people around Long Beach that I've 'raised a fine gentlemen.' Which is all I can ever hope for. We have this strange relationship. I trust him and he protects me. We text each other every day or talk on xbox live... even though he's normally in the next room. I could not be more proud of him, and of myself for doing it on my own.
Not too long ago Joe pointed out that he can always tell when I'm in a good mood because I wear jewelry. All four holes in my ears (3 in one, 1 in the other) will be decked out. I'll wear something around my neck, quite often something made by my sister. I'll also wear something around my wrist or on my fingers. I normally don't wear anything on my left hand or wrists (because I'm left handed) unless I don't want people to bother me when I'm out. In that case I'll wear something on my ring finger.... if you know what I mean. But it's true, I've been wearing a great deal of jewelry lately and thinking about it makes me feel good. I don't look gawdy mind you, but I do look sparkly. :) In fact, today I'm wearing a 'likeness' of the Goddess Pele around my neck. Hmmmm... I guess I found a way to work mythology into this.
I'm loud! I laugh loud. I talk loud. I think loud. Huh? Yeah, my mind never stops and it's a bit of a pain in the ass. I guess that's a bit of a turn off. Women should look pretty and not be heard. Or at least that's what I've been told. Demure isn't a word you'd use to describe me. Don't get me wrong, I know when to hold my tongue, but it kills me to do so at times. Yet at the same time I love to listen to a conversation taking place. If I get quiet it's because I just wanna hear what you've got to say. If I don't agree I'll put in my 2 cents. If I do agree, I'll probably do the same anyway. But I'm loud so keep that in mind.
I'm a bit independent when it comes to relationships. I don't want a man who wants a mother. I'll do for you but you've gotta be prepared for me to want you the hell away from me at times. I'm never gonna complain that you've gone off with your friends, because I know you're coming home to me at night. And at the same time, every so often I just need someone to understand that my life has had a few heavy moments in the past that will cause me to just want your company. My armor is very tough to crack, but the end result is worth it.
I guess that's enough to start with. LOL. See ya soon.
Well today's blog is again about me. Tired of learning new things yet? I say stick with what you know, and since I've been slacking on my television and movie watching, not to mention my reading, talking about myself might be best. I could give you all a bunch of trivia about mythology from around the world, but something tells me you wouldn't be interested. :) Again, that's assuming that you're interested in reading about me. It's just a bunch of random sh*t, so feel free to skip what you already know. If there is anything.
You'll always have to excuse me when I send you an email or write a blog. I never pay too much attention to grammar or spelling. I tend to write as if I were talking to you, so you can better hear my tone in the words you're reading. It's not proper, I know, but it's just how I am.
**side note, I just went to move my car and guess what is playing on the radio!!**
Let's dance! I love to. How much fun is it to just jump around and be crazy? I'm always doing it. In my car, at my desk, just walking through the office. I don't really need music - as if you couldn't have guessed that - but it does make things a bit more interesting. You don't have to be good to have a good time, and I always do. Hmm... that makes me sound as if I'm not good. You're not gonna see me in Usher's next video, but I can hold my own. My son, on the other hand is a fantastic dancer. He's had a great deal of training. Me on the other hand... just ballet.
Speaking of my son... He is the love of my life. The apple of my blue eyes. I know everyone always talks about how their kids are great, and they very well should, but if he wasn't my son I'd still think he was a wonderful person. He's truly a great human being. Kind, caring, and very open with his feelings. He's a leader among his peers, and quite respected by every adult who knows him. I often am told by the people around Long Beach that I've 'raised a fine gentlemen.' Which is all I can ever hope for. We have this strange relationship. I trust him and he protects me. We text each other every day or talk on xbox live... even though he's normally in the next room. I could not be more proud of him, and of myself for doing it on my own.
Not too long ago Joe pointed out that he can always tell when I'm in a good mood because I wear jewelry. All four holes in my ears (3 in one, 1 in the other) will be decked out. I'll wear something around my neck, quite often something made by my sister. I'll also wear something around my wrist or on my fingers. I normally don't wear anything on my left hand or wrists (because I'm left handed) unless I don't want people to bother me when I'm out. In that case I'll wear something on my ring finger.... if you know what I mean. But it's true, I've been wearing a great deal of jewelry lately and thinking about it makes me feel good. I don't look gawdy mind you, but I do look sparkly. :) In fact, today I'm wearing a 'likeness' of the Goddess Pele around my neck. Hmmmm... I guess I found a way to work mythology into this.
I'm loud! I laugh loud. I talk loud. I think loud. Huh? Yeah, my mind never stops and it's a bit of a pain in the ass. I guess that's a bit of a turn off. Women should look pretty and not be heard. Or at least that's what I've been told. Demure isn't a word you'd use to describe me. Don't get me wrong, I know when to hold my tongue, but it kills me to do so at times. Yet at the same time I love to listen to a conversation taking place. If I get quiet it's because I just wanna hear what you've got to say. If I don't agree I'll put in my 2 cents. If I do agree, I'll probably do the same anyway. But I'm loud so keep that in mind.
I'm a bit independent when it comes to relationships. I don't want a man who wants a mother. I'll do for you but you've gotta be prepared for me to want you the hell away from me at times. I'm never gonna complain that you've gone off with your friends, because I know you're coming home to me at night. And at the same time, every so often I just need someone to understand that my life has had a few heavy moments in the past that will cause me to just want your company. My armor is very tough to crack, but the end result is worth it.
I guess that's enough to start with. LOL. See ya soon.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A Most Wonderful Day
No catchy title today. There's no need for anything at all but this statement of pure fact...
I had a wonderful day today! Simply Amazing! I'd even go so far as to say.... epic!
Now, it's time to crash.
Love you all!
I had a wonderful day today! Simply Amazing! I'd even go so far as to say.... epic!
Now, it's time to crash.
Love you all!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
On a Bored Day I Can See Forever
So I'm sitting on XBox Live playing Uno with two of my favorite people, Dave and Riley. I love these guys. It makes my day to talk to them, especially since I've been so sick lately.
At the moment I'm actually not talking to either of them, they've both gone away although we're still 'playing' the game. It seems just being around them makes me a little lighter than air. You know all about Riley, he's my wonderful young man - second only to my son - but you don't know anything about Dave. Let me just start out and say this... Australian! But it's more than that, he's just a completely laid back guy. Or else he's really good at pretending. It's what makes him fun to talk to, someone more laid back in real life than I am.
It's nice to have somewhere to go where nobody judges you or asks you for favors. I mean, we do that, but it's different. It's read this poem or help me pick this out. It's never, can you do an interview or can you loan me some money. They really have no idea who I am, which is very cool. But they like the person I am, which is so important to me. They might even love me a little. Some more than others, as you might know from all the messages Riley leaves here.
There's a few more people that I just couldn't live without here in my little XBox world... Russell and Amy and of course, Chris. And then there's my real life friends who I play with at times too; Joe, Will, Cody, and Jeffrey. The latter three being my son and his two best friends and Joe being my co-worker whom you all know about.
But on a day like today, where I'm bored and feel sleepy.... these are the people I enjoy the most. Who I look forward to spending some time with. I don't know how they feel about me, but I love them with all my heart.
At the moment I'm actually not talking to either of them, they've both gone away although we're still 'playing' the game. It seems just being around them makes me a little lighter than air. You know all about Riley, he's my wonderful young man - second only to my son - but you don't know anything about Dave. Let me just start out and say this... Australian! But it's more than that, he's just a completely laid back guy. Or else he's really good at pretending. It's what makes him fun to talk to, someone more laid back in real life than I am.
It's nice to have somewhere to go where nobody judges you or asks you for favors. I mean, we do that, but it's different. It's read this poem or help me pick this out. It's never, can you do an interview or can you loan me some money. They really have no idea who I am, which is very cool. But they like the person I am, which is so important to me. They might even love me a little. Some more than others, as you might know from all the messages Riley leaves here.
There's a few more people that I just couldn't live without here in my little XBox world... Russell and Amy and of course, Chris. And then there's my real life friends who I play with at times too; Joe, Will, Cody, and Jeffrey. The latter three being my son and his two best friends and Joe being my co-worker whom you all know about.
But on a day like today, where I'm bored and feel sleepy.... these are the people I enjoy the most. Who I look forward to spending some time with. I don't know how they feel about me, but I love them with all my heart.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A Promise Kept
Last night I told Riley that I would make today's blog about him. I intend to keep that promise.
Riley -
King of cheeseburgers.
Lover of Sydney.
Player of Uno.
Protector of Me.
Skater. Student. Son.
Gatherer of Information.
Dealer of Insults.
Instigator of Laughter.
Bringer of Smiles.
Not really a poem, just a few statements of facts. I just love this kid, he's a sweetheart. :)
Riley -
King of cheeseburgers.
Lover of Sydney.
Player of Uno.
Protector of Me.
Skater. Student. Son.
Gatherer of Information.
Dealer of Insults.
Instigator of Laughter.
Bringer of Smiles.
Not really a poem, just a few statements of facts. I just love this kid, he's a sweetheart. :)
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