Reawaken/Assertiveness (Written under the influence of Vicodin)

In real life I'm this person who pushes down her feelings... doesn't let too many people in... puts up walls and puts on armor.

Not too long ago someone came into my life and reawakened a part of me that I've been hiding for so long. That part of me that I've been afraid to share with anyone. I thought that we would become great friends, but he turned out to be someone that I couldn't respect. You might recall me having a little 'break down' because I had felt betrayed. Typical me, I didn't tell this guy that I thought he was a jerk for treating me poorly (not to mention his unsuspecting wife). No, I did the opposite. I guess Donal is right when he says I'm not assertive.

Maybe part of me didn't say anything to that guy because in the end he did me a favor in a strange way. It took a few days (normally it's a day for me to recover from shit) but I bounced back. No harm no foul really... I never crossed my personal lines and never let him break down my walls, so all was good. But it did leave me open and willing to allow someone to get inside.

I've attempted to let people in since then. My friend and her husband set me up on a blind date not too long after that. Needless to say the guy couldn't handle the person I am. Again, you might recall me saying that 'I'm Loud' in one of my previous blogs. We went to a pub by my job for dinner, the four of us, and this date didn't like the fact that I laughed loud and spoke with authority. So it didn't end on a happy note, and I had to give my friend a piece of my mind the next day. But again, I didn't let the little shit of a man know that he was in the wrong.... yeah, not assertive. You're right Donal.

So those darn walls I have remained intact. My armor not at all in danger of falling off. Funny though, I felt good about the situation. Heck, getting me to make any kind of commitment other than friendship is going to be a Herculean task for some men... and there are few truly up to that task. There's a whole lot of weird baggage that comes with me and not many man could ever understand it. Then there's that whole, 'come closer, get away' thing I have that would drive most men insane. That's probably where I'm most assertive in normal life... not talking personal life (if you understand what I mean).

Sure, I can tell you guys (speaking to the men I know) that I love you, but in my head I continue the thought with 'as a friend.' Or I'll say something like, 'it's a good thing I like you,' which always ends up being misunderstood... but I have always just meant 'as a friend.' It takes a whole lot to get past the walls and under the armor. Recently I've let two extremely wonderful friends peek behind the armor, but I've always been sure to pull it back up as soon as I knew I was getting out of my head. I admit, not an easy thing to do since I have so much respect for them as human beings and men. I'm pretty sure Donal would also classify this as not being assertive.

I form certain attachments quickly because I know what I like and know what I want in my life almost instantly. I met Riley and fell head over heals for that young man. (Not in a sexual way, he's my other son). I knew right away that he was special. I can say the same thing about Donal. I met him on a day I was feeling kinda down and the first thing he told me was, 'beauty... F 'em.' I instantly felt better. I also heard him talk (not referring to his accent) and knew this was an amazingly gifted man, the type of person I love to have for a friend. Amy, Russell, and Chris are also people who I became attached to right away, not to mention my friends Joe (both Joe's in fact), Tom, and Fernando.

So an aspect of my life has been reawakened, although I'm not sure what to do with it at this point execpt leave myself open for heartache. Hey, I beat agoraphobia, depression, an abusive husband, the call of the banshee, and the big C... heartache should be child's play right? Although I've had that once too... heartache. (A story for another time).

Now it's time to learn to be assertive. In all things, not just when it's easy and I can get away with it. Yeah it's easy to walk all over the idiot women in the 'Committee' or the ignorant jerk I work with. It's also extremely easy to talk down to the big boss who I have no respect for and the sales people who treat us like their slaves. I can be the bitch then. But well... that's not enough. I'm too laid back... cuz if I wasn't I wouldn't let the thoughts someone planted in my head recently weigh on me. Ugh, I can't even type those in here. Where's Donal when I need him? Ah yes, bed... where I should be. Vicodin is making me sleepy and I think my thoughts are jumbled.

I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead before I start making sappy confessions of like... or even love. Aside from telling Riley I love him that is. It's a danger with this new reawakening, isn't it? And it certainly would be assertive. Yes?