Greetings from Ireland

I'm here... finally! *Jump for joy*

I can't even being to describe this place and do it the justice it deserves. It's just wonderful to be here. Away from all the garbage in New York and all that jazz. It's also really nice to have finally gotten to look Mark in the eyes. The sweetheart that he is. My one regret is that it's all going so fast. I was told that I wouldn't wanna leave and I think that's more than a little true. But, well... what can ya do? For now I'm gonna enjoy the time I have here and with him, respectively, and not worry about leaving.

I'm not sure if I will be writing again while I'm here so I'll say goodbye for now. As always, I love you all.

10 Days and Counting

Well everything is set. Well, almost everything. But in 10 days I will be on a plane on my way to Ireland.... and Mark. A life long dream and a dream come true all rolled into one. Mark truly is the most remarkable man I've ever met. He's got a twisted sense of humor, a great sense of self, and a wonderful outlook on life. He's fun with a good head on his shoulders. I'm blessed to have him in my life. Right now our relationship isn't really defined, but to have him in any capacity is more than I ever could have hoped for at this stage of my life.

So it's off to Ireland I go. Hopefully I've got everything I need. I'll have my computer with me so maybe I will stop by and leave a message or two. Keep me in your thoughts.

As always, I love you all.

If Wishing Made It So

It's been a long while since I posted a blog. Not quite sure why other than life has been quite strange. I'm actually not to sure if anyone (aside from SG) is even reading any more so this is basically just for me at this point.

Well I bought a new car. He's a beauty - Volkswagen GLI. Yeah well, I've been putting it off for over a year, but that's how I am. I make a decision to do something and then it's turbo charged speed. Last Tuesday I told my family I was finally gonna get the new car, they laughed cuz I've been saying it for so long, and then Thursday I went and looked at some (I had the GLI in mind all along but doesn't hurt to look) and took a test drive in a GTI (long story) and on Friday put a down payment on my baby. He arrived from somewhere near Albany on Tuesday and on Wednesday I picked him up. He's just amazing. However that tradition of throwing money on the floor of a brand new car is kinda strange to me so I keep picking up the change and putting it into the cup holder. :p

I also had to purchase a new computer a few weeks ago. Mine had some sort of glitch and it can't start up any longer. Once the guys at work safeguard my memory (all my writing is on it) I'll take it to this place to be fixed. If they can't fix it then it has to go to Toshiba - although I'm not sure where that is. So two days after it broke I went and bought this one. I don't like it all that much but it is actually a better computer than my other one. Go figure.

I think things with Mark and I are going well. I'm scared to death though. I mean - I know he likes me, thinks I'm grand and all, but well he's a man. Men don't talk about their feelings for the most part. And as my doctor keeps reminding me, Irish men take that to a whole other level. All I know for certain is I adore the man. I'll keep ya posted.

Speaking of men I adore... have I mentioned Donal lately? I think I wanna adopt him. Hehe. Seriously though, he's kinda like the brother I always wanted and never got cuz I'm stuck with a sister. Sometimes we talk and I'm a bit amazed at how smart he is. Now if I could just find him a nice girl.

I'm a bit sleepy and think I may take a nap. I was a little wired after talking to Mark last night and didn't get to bed until after 2:00 am. Well, I'm not complaining really, I'm just sayin'. I'll see ya soon. As always, I love you all.

Rush, Rush

The time is moving quickly and September will be here before I know it. There's so much to do before my trip. Doctor visits, shopping (gag), trips to the bank, phone calls, etc. Most importantly I still have to pick where I'm gonna stay, but that shouldn't be much of a problem. I work with a woman who travels a great deal every year who has offered to help me learn what is the best way to pick a hotel.

I've decided not to rent a car, although (as you read in a past post) that a good friend made sure there were 'cars yanks could drive' in Ireland. And since I'm not really into hanging out with big packs of people, I probably won't sign up for one of those tours. Although another friend did suggest it, saying it would probably be fun for me.

I'll be staying in Cork City, that hasn't changed, but the places I will be going to has. Mainly because I'll be walking to all my locations... or possibly taking whatever form of public transport it available. I've heard conflicting opinions on the buses there so that I will have to wait and see about I guess.

I also recently learned about a lovely thing they do in Ireland - apparently the price tags include the price and the tax right on the ticket, so there's no guessing how much something is actually gonna cost. This is helpful since I've never even seen a Euro, let alone used one to purchase something. Sad isn't it. I was also given the advice to just use the notes when paying and not to bother with the coins, which I will probably do.

Most likely my biggest hurdles will be eating and flying. Now I'm not a picky eater or anything but being that I'll be all outta wack with the time zone change I'm sure eating at what would be such weird times (for me) would take getting used to. Flying is a different matter all together, but one I don't plan on letting hinder me from my trip.

The type of person I am, I still hold out hope that things will work out for me as originally planned... but I'm nothing if not adjustable so I'm going on as if that situation was never concrete. As Elizabeth commented, I should have 'no trouble finding someone to talk to who will be willing to answer all my questions' so I'm just gonna go with that.

I'll keep ye posted. As always... I love you all.

What's it Mean? You Tell Me.

She rode the wild beast.
Threw her head back in elation.
And as the speed of the gallop increased.
So did the fury of her exulation.

Random Snippets of My Life

Wednesday was a bad day for me. The asshole at work was even more annoying and pathetic than usual. I woke with a migraine and dealing with her made it worse. I eventually told the manager that I was leaving. That night I went to pick Jeffrey up at school and as I was leaving the building I didn't realize there was a step outside the door and I fell... mostly on my head... but most of the front of my body is either bruised or cut. Needless to say it was no slight bump on the head. Somehow I was able to drive home but I lost it on the way. The build up of everything that's been happening got to me and I burst into tears. The physical pain I can deal with, but the emotional stress of everything finally boiled over.

There's been so much going on lately that I haven't told anyone about. I just don't feel comfortable doing so right now. Mark would be the one I would talk to but, well that whole situation is compliated. After nearly a month of nothing he came onto Xbox last night and invited me to play a game with him. I figured it was a mistake but joined anyway since I've been playing the game a lot lately. Turns out it wasn't a mistake and eventually we started talking. Again things started to click with us... it made me realize how much he understands me on some levels. I care for this man a great deal, but I felt myself holding back last night. I mean, that could be because my hands are screwed up after my fall but I'm not sure. I'm also not sure when we will talk again, but now I realize I don't have to be down on myself if we don't.

I keep thinking that I've seen 3 films in the theatre recently, but I can only think of 2. I know I saw Wolverine and Star Trek... but I can't remember if there is anything else I saw. I guess because I wanted to see so many of the recent releases I'm blanking on a possible third. I saw Watchmen as well but I'm not sure if I am counting that one in my head. OMG I'm loosing it here. :P

In the past month I have begun forgetting to eat and drink. I'll be writing and look up and it's 5:00 and I've not eaten lunch. Or suddenly it's midnight and I never ate dinner. I'll be goofing off on Xbox and the same thing happens. I've finished my bottle of water and never opened the new one. I don't think this is a good thing. My doctor would actually freak out if he knew it was happening.

I've also had a lot of trouble sleeping. I mean, I normally have a lot of trouble with that, but it's gotten much worse. I went to bed at nearly 2:00 this morning and yet I was wide awake at 6:00. If I try to rest during the day I can't get to sleep. Doesn't matter how tired I am, I just can't sleep. My music isn't helping nor are my audio CDs. I'm afraid that my doctor is going to put me on meds for this problem. This would be bad, most meds react badly with my body/metabolism and I've been working really hard lately to get back to the way I was before my surgery. I don't know if I could handle steps backwards again.

Next month is my birthday. Blah... bad day all around. June will be a sh|t month for me as it is, but I'm sure my birthday will make it even worse.

Well anyway... tales of woe and weird. As always, I love you all. Thanks for listening.

Letting It Out

I have this blog saved from a few weeks back. It was all about Mark and how wonderful he is to me and how I feel very lucky to have met someone who is so kind and compassionate to me... and everyone else he meets. I wrote it but it kinda went on and on and on which made me think that it was showing too much of myself, so I saved it to post at a later date.

As it is I've already spoken of him in other blogs so you basically know how I feel about him. He's someone that I care for on a very deep level. I've offered him something I've never offered someone before and he accepted. Called it an honor. Told me there were only two things he wanted in this life and I was one of those things.

Now the month of May is almost over and I've not spoken to him at all other than a brief conversation in which he let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. That was nearly three weeks ago. Three weeks in which I've blamed myself for doing something that caused such a gentle person to abandon me like an unwanted kitten. God I know how pathetic that sounds but it's how I feel. I just can't seem to help myself.

Of course my friends have been great. Or the one's that I have told about it anyway. I can't tell Jeffrey, he'd never spoken to him but he liked Mark, said he made me seem more happy then I have been in a long time. Everyone has tried to lift me up... and sometimes it works. I feel better for a while and then I just skip back like a broken record. It's so unlike me.

I've told you in the past how I don't let people (men) in beacause I'm afraid of being hurt. I've told you about past hurts, friends who betrayed me, my ex-husband, some of you know the story of Michael - the hurt that was hardest to get over. You've seen me attempt to get close to people (men) and have heard all the stories of woe. The thing is, I normally bounce back in a day. In fact, the night I met Donal I had a falling out with a guy and just talking to the kindhearted Irishman took me right out of the funk I was about to fall into. But this situation with Mark is a whole different matter.

The one thing all my friends and my doctor agree on is that it makes no sense. For him to one minute think the world of me and then the next not think of me at all. Everyone's got a theory... cold feet, PTSD, met a girl, met a boy. None of them make me feel better. "The Mark I know wouldn't leave someone hanging like this, he cares to much about the feelings of others to be cruel." Is what I say to people. Their response is almost always, "Well isn't that what he's doing?" It's a no win situation. I've lost a friend and someone who could have been so much more. He called it 'someone special.'

So here I sit, like so many other nights, feeling aquamarine. Lonely and alone. Sick and scared. Wishing I could turn off my emotions as well as I used to be able to. Rereading my unpublished blog where I was so happy to have a wonderful guy in my life who was willing to wait for me and feeling shortchanged.

Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.

Thank You Ever So

The last few weeks have been rough on me. I don't mind when things in life change, it happens. But when things happen with no rhyme or reason it throws me. So I've been thrown for a loop and it's taken its toll on me. In the midst of all this happening, the 3rd 'anniversary' of my operation took place which made the screwed up emotions I've been feeling even worse.

Friday night I was just awful. I was good for most of the night and then I found that I just couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt lost and alone. Three years being strong for everyone even when I didn't feel it inside is a little harder than it might seem. The ever so nice Donal came to my rescue. This is one of the reasons why I call him friend.

There are some things that are beyone even Donal's expertise. I've lost my confidence and I wasn't sure how was gonna get it back. Suddenly, out of the blue, a friend I've not spoken to in a while appeared and put me to rights again. 'Darrie you don't realize what a beautiful person you are. Your heart is pure. Everyone who meets you ends up liking you, and that's without seeing how lovely you are. Any man who can't deal with your intensity and passion isn't worth your time.' I needed that more than you could understand.

This whole situation still has me at wits end, but I don't feel so down on myself now. My lovely friends have taken care of me, like you always do. As always, I love you all... thank you ever so.

My XBox 360 Bio - Currently

Some people just don't know their way to the light.
Some see only darkness.
Some people, too soon give up the fight.
Some never learn the difference.
Sometimes we see others in the light we create for them - never seeing their darkness.
Sometimes we hide from the fight - dark and light making no difference.

I Can Only Speak for Me

My passport arrived today. I'm excited about my trip, it's been my dream to live in Ireland since I was 12 years old, but it seems things will be a little different than I had been hoping. I just can't get into it right now, it's too fresh in my mind, too painful.

Today I was trying to explain to Donal about me being guarded. How I'm so afraid of being hurt... again. I say things like, 'I have a hard time letting people get close' and 'I don't let people in.' And basically he says that's B.S. because he's seen me put myself out there with people, have told them personal things about myself.

Now, I can only speak for me, but I'm sure most women would say the same thing. Getting close to a person (ie friend) is different than getting close to a man (ie relationship-wise). And even then there are some things I just don't tell people.

I'm open about a great deal in my life. The cancer stuff for instance... although it was only recently that I have been able to talk about the whole story. The fact that was in an abusive relationship is also something I don't mind talking about... I tend to think it helps people understand me more and it also opens people's eyes about things. I talk about having a child at a young age and about my family problems. And I don't mind answering questions... I am capable to deciding what I want people to know and what I'd rather they don't ask me.

But men are different. Sure I can tell a man stuff but it takes a lot of work on his part to hear the whole story. It's one of the ways I judge what he's after. It was my friend Chris who told me that eventually I was gonna have to let the walls come down and get rid of my armor. 'You've gonna let someone in.' I just don't wanna be hurt and whenever I let someone close, it's what happens.

I think I also sabotage potential relationships because of this fear I have. I back off when I shouldn't or become too attached. I've talked about that before so I won't get into it. I'm too darn independent... probably because I've kept myself alone for so long.

I'm getting off topic and ahead of myself now. Too many thoughts in my head at the moment. I've a need to know how things work. I like to take apart broken things and see what made them the way they are. Broken relationships are the same way. I need to know what broke them and learn to never break something that way again. Because my heart has been broken am I afraid to let someone in and see what made me that way to begin with... not fair really, since I'm the one who likes to study things as much as possible. As Donal says, I over analyse things too much. Blah... he's right.

Anyway, going for a run... as always, I love you all.

I Who Have Nothing....

For days I've been trying to write something. Anything at all really, but it seems my muse has taken a break. I have started and stopped this blog so many times, it's sad. Last night I was talking to Donal and he mentioned that he looks for the green, the color for his name, and then starts reading. So... Hi Donal, how ya doing my friend?

The title of the blog is a song from the musical Smokey Joe's Cafe, and was probably my favorite song from the show. It also reminds me a bit of Donal... well something he said once.

In the song, the singer is telling how he's in love with this person but he's got nothing to offer her. He sings how the man she is with can give her everything she wants and take her all the places she wants to go, but basically that man will never love her the way he does. Maybe praphrasing the saying, money can't buy you happiness.

So anyway Donal once said, 'I ain't got sh*t,' kinda like the guy in the song. But when this man finally falls in love, nobody will ever love that girl the way he will, because when you've got nothing the only thing you have to give is love. Besides, Donal is a good guy so he'd do that anyway. I'm gonna find him a nice American girl to love... any takers?

I know just want it means to have nothing. I'd give up every little thing I have for a great love like they sing about in the song. I'd give the man I love the world, if I could. Though not with things but with actions. He'd never want for anything, ever.

I think I'm a bit obsessed with love (or intense like) at the moment because both Russell and SG recently told me I was the object of someone's love. I've actually beaten around the bush about it for a long while in 2 of my blogs, but I've been a little afraid to come out and talk about it. Maybe I'm weird but I had this feeling like I'd jinx myself. But it seems I didn't have to jinx myself because the world has done it for me.

A while ago Donal introduced me to a friend of his... Mark. You've read about him here. He's amazing. Or, in Irish terms, he's grand. I have fallen head over heals for him.... something I'd never thought would happen in my life. He's completely and utterly fantastic, mismatched socks and all. I could go on and on but it might take a long time to tell you everything. Yet as I said, the world has done for me what I didn't do myself.

On April 25th Mark witnessed a terrible accident in which a woman lost her life... he's not been the same since then. We've barely spoken but a few sentences to each other since that day. A far cry from what was happening prior to that night. I'm hurting. I feel badly for myself, but I feel just as bad for him. Stuff like that takes it's toll on a person, especially if you don't deal with it on some level. I sit here wondering if I've done something wrong, maybe didn't say the right thing to him when he told me what happened. Or maybe I said something completely wrong in those short conversations.

Me being me, with the voices in my head, I also start to question myself on a different level, like maybe he's decided I'm not worth the time, effort, or wait. Still, I just can't believe the man who said so many incredible things to me one day would decide they were wrong the very next. That's just not the Mark I've come to know. I mean, if I wasn't worth the effort he wouldn't have put it in, he wouldn't have taken the time.

Everyone has told me I'm over-reacting. My doctor, Russell, and even Donal, who finally I had the courage to tell about Mark and I, have all said that he's gotta deal with what happened and then he will find his way back. See what I mean when I say Mark brings out my girly side?

In the meantime, I Who Have Nothing continues to play in my head... along with all the songs that remind me of Mark.

"I'm just a no one with nothing to give you but, oh...."

Well that's it. It's taken me all day long to write this. I'm not sure what the posting time will say, but it's 10:15 PM here right now. Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.

The Way I Am

They say that situations in our lives dictate the person you are. Nobody is an exception to this rule I guess, myself included. However, it is possible to 'break the cycle' as they call it.

I grew up in an abusive household. My father was abused as a child and he grew up to be an abusive father. He had problems - major issues. Yes, I know we all have issues but few people deal with the stuff he did growing up and as an adult. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. He was my father and I loved him, but the man was a f*ck. History tells us that since I was abused as a child I would grow up to be abusive to my son. I am not. That's what they mean by breaking the cycle.

Yet, I did enter into an abusive marriage at a very young age. My ex-husband was never abused as a child, he was just an assh*le. He was a drug addicted bastard. I just don't believe the whole 'drugs make you do things' b.s. that they spout. If it's in your heart to be cruel then you will be. His heart was black, if he had one at all. Most of the time I think he did things to me because I wasn't the person he wanted to be with, a fact he made sure to tell me as often as he could.

I've seen a lot of stuff in this world that would shock you. I've survived and flourished in spite of all that I've lived through. All the things that I've been through could have turned me into a bitter woman, but it didn't. I'm still believe there is good in people. And, as Donal pointed out to me last night, I'm ruled by my heart.

I used to be a very guarded person. You all know this. If you've followed my tv.com blog you've seen my progression into someone who trusts a bit more easily. I'm aware that people lie, although I don't completely understand why, but I tend to judge more on the actions of people as they are toward me than anything they say about themselves. It's what they say about me that I have a hard time with.

I know when guys are saying sh*t to impress you. 'Darrie you have a beautiful voice.' 'Darrie you're incredibly smart.' Things like that. Hey it's nice, I'll take a compliment if it's offered. I know the spirit in which it's given. It's everything else I have trouble knowing if it's true. So I try to look at the actions which come along with the words.

I end up being hurt a lot because I am the way I am. I don't like to admit it. It's a weakness and I hate to show or admit weakness. It's like that aggressive thing Donal pointed out to me a few months ago. I hate admitting to that weakness as well. But I do admit it. I'm ruled by my heart, I want to see the good in people, and I lack the aggression to know when I'm being played. If the first step in a 12 step program is admitting you've got a problem, then that's my first step. Sadly my legs are too short to reach the next rung without help.

As always, I love you all. See you soon.

Thoughts More Random Than Normal

My son always tells me I'm random. I know it's true. I have hundreds of thoughts in my head at any given time so I can't really help it. I've worked on this little problem of mine. Focus Darrie, I'm often telling myself. It's one of the reasons why I often force myself speaking slowly, I'm trying to stick to the topic at hand. It doesn't always work. However, when I'm in a focused mood I often talk to fast for people to understand me.

It's a wonder I ever know what a movie is about because I often think of related topics when I watch. Even now, as I type this, I'm thinking about the food that I'm preparing for dinner tonight, what I'm going to wear tomorrow to work, about my friend Carol who is suffering with the big c at the moment, and a few special men in my life - not least of which is my son. I'm also listening to my iPod at the moment so I'm thinking about the meanings of the songs I'm hearing.

But I'll move on... back to the topic at hand. Randomness.

I got my taxes out just by the skin of my teeth this year. My old accountant retired so I had to get a new one, what a pain in the ass.

I inherited my sisters cat, Gracie, when my sister moved into her new appartment. Charm, my son's cat, does not like her at all. Now they argue over who is gonna come lay in my room. Right now, Charm has won the day. I dunno if I like having two cats, my house isn't huge, especially with my sister's two dogs already living here. I need to do something I think.

I saw Punisher: War Zone yesterday. Bloody. Ever more so than the first one. I'm not really sure which one I liked better, but I do like Ray Stevenson better as Frank Castle. So maybe that gives WZ a leg up. I was going to take Jeffrey to the movies today to see Fast and Furious but he ended up spending the night at a friends house and didn't get home early enough to do so. I will eventually watch Transporter 3 today... gotta love Jason Statham.

I've been avoiding mentioning that my favorite television show of all time was cancelled on April 1st of this year. It will continue it's run until September 18th of this year, but then it's done. Hopefully I'll be in Ireland at that time so maybe I won't notice. I guess 72 years in production isn't bad. :)

Again I'm reading about 4 books at once. Once I finish one, I replace it with another. Only one is a novel so it's taking a little longer to read them all than normal. I hate to admit that but what the hell.

My friends Russell and Amy (they are also followers of this blog) got married last Saturday. I'm so happy for them. Like I said, they give me a bit of hope for the future. My future that is.

I still haven't settled on the type of car I'm gonna buy. I just hate giving up Lord Vader, even though I know it's time for it.

This blasted ear infection I have is driving me mad. I normally have a problem hearing, this is making it worse. Damn ears!

I think I might be outta practice knowing when people/guys are bs'ing me. Now that I've decided to give things in that aspect of life a chance, I never know who is saying stuff to get over and who is saying stuff in a sincere manner. Taking kindness for weakness is a bad way to treat a person.

Ahhh.... too many things to type, not enough time to do it. Gonna go write, talk to you all later.
I love you, as always.

Places I'd Like to Visit in Ireland

When I visit Ireland later this year I will be traveling to County Cork. County Cork is the largest of all the modern counties of Ireland and is the home to several people and families that I know.

According to my various sources there are hundreds of things to see and do in Cork, but since I will only be staying for about 2 weeks this first visit, I've got to limit the amount of things I do there. Therefore I've been looking into 5 or 6 places I'd like to go while I'm in Cork.

1. The Midleton Distillery
2. St. Finbarre's Cathedral
3. Blarney Castle - No kissing of the stone for me however
4. Crookhaven
5. Elizabeth Fort
6. Cork City Gaol

Each of them is different and 3 of them are located within Cork City, which is where I will be staying. I've yet to pick a hotel, but I will be picking from one of the following:

1. Cork International Airport Hotel
2. The Clarion Hotel
3. The Victoria Hotel
4. The Gresham Metropole
5. Rochestown Park Hotel

Of course I've got to look into everything a bit more before I make any decision at all, but I do have a bit of help. Donal has already looked into transport for me. It turns out that they do have 'cars yanks can drive' (as he puts it) there in Ireland, so if I really need one I'll be able to get one.

If you've got any ideas for me, let me know. Any help is appreciated.

Music with Meaning - The Soundtrack of a Life

Ever find yourself listening to certain music when you're feeling in a certain mood? When you're happy, do you listen to upbeat tunes? How about when you're feeling sad, do you realize you've got something slow and sappy on? And when you're driving, does the music you're listening to dictate how aggressively you drive?

I can honestly answer yes to all those questions. When I'm being reflective I normally listen to something like David Wilcox... 'Eye of a Hurricane' is one of those songs that kinda tell the story of my life... as is 'How Did You Find Me Here'. If I'm happy I'll ususally listen to something with a dance beat of some sort. It was recently pointed out to me that I listen to Beyonce a lot when I'm in a good mood. If I'm sad I listen to The Cure a bit too much. And I know for a fact that when I listen to Eminem I drive a lot more aggressively than when I'm listening to Michael Bubble.

I'm very eclectic when it comes to music. I will give any type of music a try at least once. I love when people give me a new artist or song to listen to. One of the nicest things a person could ever do for me would be to give me a CD of songs they enjoy that they're certain I've never heard before. But I digress...

There are songs that remind me of certain people or situations. Almost every song by Madonna reminds me of my cousin Susan, who is a freak for anything Madonna. Kat DeLuna reminds me of Jeffrey because he was the one who introduced me to her music. 'Heard the World' by O.A.R. reminds me of how I used to be about life... I'd love Donal to hear it as well, as I told you, we're similar in a few things. And anything by Senses Fail reminds me of Chris.

Today I heard the song 'Love Who You Love' by Rascal Flatts, which reminds me of something I put in this very blog around Valentine's Day this year. It's basically about how life is short and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone so show/tell those that you love, that you love them. A sentiment I've expressed more than once to anyone who will listen. (hehe) I think I've bored you all to tears about that very thing, and if you read any of my other blogs you've seen it more than once.

I just came back from a walk, I had to clear my head, and I found myself listening to Lifehouse, Death Cab for Cutie, OneRepublic, and The Feeling... my mind when to someone very important to me. When I walk during lunch at work I normally listen to House of Pain, Alien Ant Farm, Destiny's Child, Jean Paul, and Tom Jones. When I'm doing heavy duty cleaning I listen to a mix of Techno that my friend Evan gave me. Ironically at bed time, when I can't sleep, I listen to my favorite audio book readers Dick Hill (with his faux Irish accent) or Phil Gigante (with his various Scottish accents) to help ease myself into a restful slumber. Maybe I need to get Donal or Chris to record something for me. *wink*

So whose part of your life soundtrack?

And by the way.... love you all (as always).

My Apparent Horoscope (s)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
Trying to find a sensible way to accomplish everything you have on your schedule today can be frustrating. It's not that you have loaded up your calendar with too many things to do; rather, each task requires more time and energy than you ever imagined. Keep your emotions in check; if you reveal your irritation to everyone else, it will only bog down your day even further. Just remember, if you can visualize the finish line, then you'll be able to get there eventually.

The Chariot
May your victories be sweet.
Deck: Winged Spirit Tarot
Traditionally, the card usually entitled the Chariot points to a triumphal feeling of freedom, as if the charioteer is being paraded through the streets as a hero (or heroine). The card reflects congratulations for high achievement, and serves as a sign of empowerment. Huge wheels and frisky steeds speed the rate at which the driver's will power can be realized. This kind of charge makes more of the world accessible to one ambitious enough to seize the Chariot's reins. But there is danger in this feeling of freedom, because of the increased rate of change and its power to magnify mistakes in judgment. As a seasoned warrior, the Charioteer is called upon to be extra attentive to the way ahead.

Friendship Compatibility of Cancer with Pisces
This is a friendship that affords great joy and happiness to you both. You love Pisces's movie collection, while they adore your cooking. You admire the Fish's humanitarian principles, while they admire your financial sense. You delight in Pisces's imagination, while they relish your sense of humor. This mutual appreciation society is only bolstered by your many common interests, including swimming, dream interpretation and poetry. Are there any sore spots between you? Well, yes. Pisces's flakiness can hurt your feelings, especially when your pal forgets an appointment, anniversary, or birthday. On the other hand, the Fish sometimes feels that your mothering borders on smothering. If you can manage to forgive each other's weaknesses, you'll form a strong bond that will last for a lifetime.

Love Compatibility of Cancer with Pisces
When Crabs and Fish meet, they understand each other almost immediately. In a way, you are zodiac cousins, living in the same watery world. You share a bond that isn't intellectual - it's based on a shared sensitivity, awareness and compassion. Your Pisces is tuned into your ever-changing moods and emotional needs. Meanwhile, you can sense when your fish is confused or in pain. You can often communicate with each other without even saying a word. Like two peas in a pod, you have what it takes to live together in the garden of eternal happiness.

Number for Today: 3
Your creativity continues to manifest in every area of your life today. A sense of excitement permeates your daily routine, and at times you may lack focus. Clear communication is important today.

Tear Sheets, NYMBANCO Machines, and Copy Paper... OH MY!

Can I just start of by saying I love my job. Yeah, it's far away from my house, and quite often I deal with some of the stupidest people in existance, but it's not bad as far as jobs go. Personally I'd love a job where I am up and around more, I just have a problem with sitting still for so long, but I'm good at it so I can't really complain.

There are, however, many things about my job that I hate. I'm not paid half of what I'm worth, but I don't work for the money in the end, it's more about health insurance at this point. The person who manages my department isn't worth a damn as a manager. She is too busy wanting to be everyone's friend to do a decent job at managing the department. Then there's that idiot who works in my department. You know, I've spoken of her often. I used to look at her and think, 'she's a decent human being' but I'm at the point now that I can't even say that. She treats everyone with utter disrespect, both as people and as co-workers. I've been at the brink of nearly kicking her in the teeth a few times, all because of her lack of professionalism... although that wouldn't really be professional of me at all.

I'm a hard working person. I always have been. I've had a variety of jobs since the time I was 13 years old. My main problem is I get really bored after a while of working in one place. I'm trying very hard to hold on at my current position. It just doesn't make sense for me to leave a secure place with the economy the way it is now.... especially since my plan is to move to Ireland after my son graduates high school in 2010. Yet I've no idea what I'll do when I get there. Donal says that it will be hard for me to get a job... let alone be able to stay there without citizenship. I guess I've got some time to work that out. Who knows, maybe I'll become a therapist in that time and I'll have a great thing to offer the country. *shrug* Other than my bubbly personality that is. :p

As always, I love you all.

Revealing My Mind

So I see a therapist every week. It's part of the reason why I want to become one myself, I know if it weren't for the woman I see every Saturday I'd still be stuck in the awful limbo I was after the deaths of the two men who meant so much to my life. Not to mention that whole 'big C' situation I had a few years back.

Yesterday she and I were talking about the men in my life now. Chris, Donal, Mark, Joe, Riley, Jeffrey, Russell, Colin, SG and J.J.. My friends, siblings, and children.

I've mentioned before how I form attachments quickly with people. These nine men (and my son) are no different. I've a special connection to each of them. Yet for some reason I felt like it was wrong to feel that connection with so many people. Not that the connection I have with each of them is at all the same, but to feel so strongly about so many people seemed weird. Mainly because I don't let a whole lot of people in.

Joe and Jeffrey are different, of course, because I see them nearly every day. Believe it or not, I don't see Jeffrey every day even though he lives with me. LOL. The boy is busy. SG is different as well since I've seen him a few times as well.

Riley and Russell are more like family than anything else. I've said several times how Riley is my other son. I love him to death that's for sure. Russell is like a brother to me and I could never be more grateful for all the advice and encouragement he's given me.

But see, I form attachments so easily. I know what I like about people and when I find those qualities in people I latch on. Latch on could be a strong way of putting it. Maybe a better way to say it would be I want to keep those I care about close to me.

My therapist talked about how each of these guys fills a different role in my life because of their different qualities. The fact that for so long I've shut love and the like out of my life that me becoming friendly with so many different personalities is natural. Or so she says.

Chris is really responsible for a great deal of my comfort level with people. He's the first person who really made me believe that I'm worth getting to know. He was the first to break through my armor completely. I talked about him in first part of my 'Yourself through my eyes' blog. He'll always be important to me because of it.

Donal is very much like me, or the me I was in the past. He's an amazing friend. I love him to death and would do anything at all for him... I just can't tell him that because he's a bit 'anti-gay talk' as he puts it. He really dug deep into my past and accepted it. Our friendship is strained at times, but he'll be my friend until one of us leaves the world.

Mark's the one I think I'm the closest with. I realized the other day that he truly pays attention to what I do and say. Where most guys will just say they know things about you... Mark really does. He's gotten very much past my armor and it feels good to say it and know it. I love that he recognizes my intelligence and isn't hindered by it. And as I said in a previous blog, he's the first guy in a very long time to see my girly side. He taps into that part of my mind like nobody else ever could.

Colin fills my need to care for someone. He's had such a rough time as of late. When we talk it's mainly me trying to boost his self-esteem and then him telling me I'm lovely for doing it. I can't imagine why anyone would want to hurt this man, but he's been hurt in a bad way recently. He's one of those people they say are in your life for a reason. I think the reason is so that I can give him his confidence back. I hope I'm up to the task.

And then there's J.J.. He's the man who I can count on for humor. He'd be upset if I didn't mention that he's brilliant, beautiful, with a big (ah hem), as well as modest. I keep wanting to say 'but seriously,' but it seems so out of place. We laugh a whole lot when we talk... a need I have always had. More than likely he thinks I'm a but of a nutter, he's just too much of a gentleman to say it.

So there's my connections: Love, admiration, friendship, humor, caring, sanity, respect, hope, and... well, love. Can never have too much of that.

The Little Things

I've always believe, in relationships, the little things can often mean just as much or more as the big things. Knowing what type of flowers a girl perfers is sometimes just as good as getting her the flowers. Remembering how your boyfriend likes to drink his coffee can go a long way in solidifying your relationship. Here's a few little things I think mean a great deal to those you love... or at least just me. Maybe it will teach you something about your own relationship or a future one.

1. Even if you can't be with them all the time, let them know you've got them on your mind. It's easier now with email and text messaging. No matter how busy you get, take a second to say, 'thinking about you' or 'missing you.'

2. Remember things that they love and use them to make them happy. Quote their favorite movie or song, bring a smile to their face because you remembered something about them.

3. Ask questions about their life. It's nearly impossible to know everything, no matter how long you've been together.

4. To quote SG... cook 'em their favorite food. Apparently cake goes over well with some people, although that's baking. But you see where I'm going. It's inexpensive and satisfying.

5. Show your love whenever you can... life is short so don't take it for granted.

6. Back massage.... good. I prefer the neck/head massage myself, but all it takes is a little bit of time and creativity.

7. Make 'em laugh. Nothing feels quite like a good laugh.

8. Go for a drive. Nice country road is most agreeable. Just don't run outta gas. :P

9. Ask about your partner's friends. It shows that remember other people who are important to them. Nobody is saying you've gotta like them... but it makes you look like the bigger person.

10. Never forget their birthday... that's just the kiss of death.

There's more, but I can't really share all my secrets can I?

Yourself Through My Eyes - Part II

As promised, here's a few more of you how I see you.

SG
Three years we've been friends, thank you for sticking by me through all my drama. You've been the guy I turned to more than once when life got me down, sending me notes when stuff turned bad. I see you as the shoulder to cry on when it's needed. I see you as words of encouragement when I was at a loss. I see you as my brother, father, uncle, and friend.

Tel
Lady you're so kind. I love your sense of humor and how you are so gun-ho about things you believe in and like. I love reading your blog and seeing things through your eyes. To me you're a strong and caring person, and I see you taking on many challenges in life and beating them head on. Yes, that's what I meant to say. :)

Colin
Our friendship is very intense. I've seen you extremely happy and at the other end of that spectrum. It kills me to see you upset and putting yourself down. I could only wish that you'd see yourself as I do, as so many people see you. You're lovely dear, never forget that. To me you are a benevolent soul who brings light to those around you. The people of England could learn a bit from you. :P

J.J.
How's my swearing quota doing? Gold stars? Long live the DOD! I've always got a carefree mood when I talk to you, even when we're discussing Voldermort. LOL. Now what will I get for saying something nice about you? Ahh, this one's on me. I can see you going a long way in this life. Using that adorable smile and excellent sense of humor to take you nearly as far as your brain will. To me you're the man willing to hold my hair back when I vomit. Haha. But seriously, it's all good... as are you. But don't forget, you're modest so don't let your head swell from reading this.

Mark
I could be talking about myself here, the two of us are so similar in so many ways. Okay, so you're a man and much taller than I, but you know what I mean. If there's someone out there that shares a portion of my grey matter, it's you. I see you as hope. In my eyes you're someone who gives me the biggest piece of hope for the future. You never let me put myself down, something that's always come so easy to me, and you show me why I shouldn't. What's more, you're the only one who's ever seen my girly side and it doesn't frighten you. Hope... that's you.

There's so many of you I'd like to write about... gimme time to get to you all.

Yourself Through My Eyes - Part I

I wish all my friends could see themselves through my eyes. See you how I see you. It occured to me, however, that my friends might not know what I see in them. Today I will tell a few of you how I see you. I'll follow up with another blog about the rest of my friends at a later date. Maybe seeing yourself through the eyes of a person who loves you unconditionally will help all of you see yourself in a new light.

Frakker (aka Ralph)
I've known you for a while now and your heart is amazing. Even down you've always taken the time to make those around you feel good about themselves. I've seen you lift people up with your humor, myself included. I see you as a director, directing the lives of the people you care about. I'm lucky to be one of those people.

Riley
I don't think I can ever say enough about you my sweetheart. For such a young man you have a wisdom far surpassing many men twice your age. In my eyes you can do nothing wrong. In my eyes you are my child whom I will always fiercely protect. Funny how you're always trying to protect me.

Gab (aka Gabfan)
Woman you're a gift. You're so much like a sister to me, even more so than my own flesh and blood. You're the type of person I never get bored talking to. In my eyes you're a teacher, a bard, and a life-long friend. Go Red Devils! :P

Donal
My darlin' you're brilliant. I see so much potential in you and your life. I can see you conquering and changing the world. I know what it is you must overcome, and I know you will do it. You see through me, so in my eyes you're a superhero. You're Superman... and you're a super man.

Hoeech (aka Hoeech)
I've always wanted an older brother, I hope you understand why I see you as mine. You're advice is always given with love and respect. You're help has been invaluable to me. Your friendship as well. In my eyes you're the man a father wants his daughter to fall in love with... and how very lucky your girlfriend is to have you.

Bri (aka Breezy)
You go girl! Look what you're doing! I love the fact that you know exactly who you are and say, 'screw it' to anyone who doesn't like it. In my eyes you're a warrior.... I only wish you could see that side of yourself. I can never thank you enough for sharing your words with all of us because they show us how much you've grown over the years.

Chris
The man who has broken down my walls more than once. You're someone who doesn't give up, yet at the same time knows when to back down. Traits very rare to have in combination with each other. I see you doing everything and anything to achieve your happy ending. In my eyes you're a savior, someone who taught me to open up to others. The sweetest man in all of Scotland.

Amy and Russell
I have to put the two of you together because I just can't imagine a world where you two aren't together. I see you both as promise. What true love can do to people. It gives me hope for all of us. In my eyes you're family and always will be. You're lucky to have one another, and we're lucky for having you both.

If you've not seen your name, you'll come soon. I've so much to say about you all.

Reading My Thoughts

If you could read my thoughts right now you might be a little surprised. They're all jumbled:

I'm thinking about the book I'm currently reading, A Secret History of the IRA by Ed Moloney. It's very interesting.

I'm thinking about Jeffrey going to Washington, DC for a week this summer. He kinda wants to go into politics to change the world.

I'm thinking about Donal. It's his birthday tomorrow. He's said he doesn't like to celebrate so I'm not sure how to wish him a happy day.

I'm thinking about Watchmen which is coming out tomorrow. I can't wait to see it.

I'm thinking about Dave. He was sad yesterday and I can totally understand why he'd be. We've not spoken in a while and his mood was not what I was expecting at all.

I'm thinking about the car I'm gonna buy. I'm not unhappy about doing so, but I know nothing about cars so it's a weird decision to make.

I'm thinking about work and all that still needs to be done today. I'm on lunch and will be leaving 15 minutes after I'm back so I have to count on the b-witch to do something for once.

I'm thinking about Chris. The sweetest man in all of Scotland needed a mental hug yesterday as well.

I'm thinking about Frakker and Shadow. I haven't spoken to them in a while.

I'm thinking about Ireland. Making arrangements for when I go. Reading up, packing up, loosening up.

I'm so jumbled.

An Open Letter

So you've been reading my blog it seems.
Reading about my feelings, my likes, my loves.
The things that scare me and the things that give me strength.
You've been mentioned.
More than once.
Others have as well.
You're backing away.
So are they.
The intensity is too much for you.
Imagine what it's like for me.
To let someone see me so intimately.
To admit that I need help at times.
Strength without struggle is half-hearted.
Life full of fear can be rough.
Overcoming fear makes us stronger.
Finding the strength can be tough.
Share my strength.
My experience.
My friendship.
From me, you've nothing to fear.
See me for who I truly am.
Know my passion and compassion for the blessings they are.
Read my blog again.
This time... hear my voice when you do.
Feel the words as they were intended.
Sincere.

All Hell Breaks Loose

Friday was my friend Joe's birthday. Happy 39th Joe! He's a very depressed person who has a great deal of problems. One of which is his girlfriend, but I won't go into that. So Friday I took Joe out for lunch for his birthday.

Now normally I take my lunch break between 2:30 and 3:00, depending on how busy I am that day. My break is an hour, so taking it late normally doesn't come into play with the rest of the department. However on Friday I took lunch at 12:30 because Joe had a meeting at 2:00.

Wouldn't you know it, the one day I go to lunch early... all hell breaks loose.

If you've read my other blog over the last few months you know that tension is high in my department. My manager is not a real manager... she is in title only. She doesn't know how to handle conflict nor does she know how to get the best out of the department. She's stuck in the 80s and doesn't like change. My friend Seem works in my office as well. She's a nice girl but she's about 60 years old in her thinking. And where Donal says I'm not assertive, Seem is 100 times worse than I could ever be. Then there's the woman we like to refer to as b-witch. The ignorant woman who has worked her about 6 months less than I have and still tells customers that she's 'new' to explain why she can't answer their questions.

A few months ago the b-witch made an accusation against me in the office and, being the not assertive person I am, I put her in her place and went off on her. Needless to say she's not accused me of anything since then. She has, however, taken her venom out on Seem. Now that wouldn't be so bad because she's just a mean and miserable person, but her husband works with us as well... and he does his best to make Seem's life a living hell. Friday, when I was out to lunch, he threatened her.

Threatned her to the point that she's afraid of him now. To the point where she's thinking of going to the police. Screw that, don't think about it, if you're scared that much just go!

So now the office is even more tense than ever. Nobody really talks any longer. I mean, I'm not too upset about that because they all have very ancient ideas about life and they also tend to talk a bunch about stupid shit, but when I start laughing about something Chris or Donal has said to me on MSN, it seems really out of place.

It's giving me a migraine. Grrr!

Hollow

I wrote this poem a long time ago, but it still fits today. It actually has a great deal to do with the blog I wrote yesterday so I thought I'd share. It's called Hollow... enjoy.

There’s a place deep inside me,
Where no one ever goes,
A place that is empty,
A place that no one knows.
For me it’s kind of scary,
This hollow deep inside,
Yet I’m forever wary,
To push my fears aside.
To let somebody get that near,
And see my hidden place,
To make the hollow disappear,
And leave not the slightest trace.
Of the hollow in my heart,
Which is trembling within,
But I am asking you to start,
Begging you to begin….

Reawaken/Assertiveness (Written under the influence of Vicodin)

In real life I'm this person who pushes down her feelings... doesn't let too many people in... puts up walls and puts on armor.

Not too long ago someone came into my life and reawakened a part of me that I've been hiding for so long. That part of me that I've been afraid to share with anyone. I thought that we would become great friends, but he turned out to be someone that I couldn't respect. You might recall me having a little 'break down' because I had felt betrayed. Typical me, I didn't tell this guy that I thought he was a jerk for treating me poorly (not to mention his unsuspecting wife). No, I did the opposite. I guess Donal is right when he says I'm not assertive.

Maybe part of me didn't say anything to that guy because in the end he did me a favor in a strange way. It took a few days (normally it's a day for me to recover from shit) but I bounced back. No harm no foul really... I never crossed my personal lines and never let him break down my walls, so all was good. But it did leave me open and willing to allow someone to get inside.

I've attempted to let people in since then. My friend and her husband set me up on a blind date not too long after that. Needless to say the guy couldn't handle the person I am. Again, you might recall me saying that 'I'm Loud' in one of my previous blogs. We went to a pub by my job for dinner, the four of us, and this date didn't like the fact that I laughed loud and spoke with authority. So it didn't end on a happy note, and I had to give my friend a piece of my mind the next day. But again, I didn't let the little shit of a man know that he was in the wrong.... yeah, not assertive. You're right Donal.

So those darn walls I have remained intact. My armor not at all in danger of falling off. Funny though, I felt good about the situation. Heck, getting me to make any kind of commitment other than friendship is going to be a Herculean task for some men... and there are few truly up to that task. There's a whole lot of weird baggage that comes with me and not many man could ever understand it. Then there's that whole, 'come closer, get away' thing I have that would drive most men insane. That's probably where I'm most assertive in normal life... not talking personal life (if you understand what I mean).

Sure, I can tell you guys (speaking to the men I know) that I love you, but in my head I continue the thought with 'as a friend.' Or I'll say something like, 'it's a good thing I like you,' which always ends up being misunderstood... but I have always just meant 'as a friend.' It takes a whole lot to get past the walls and under the armor. Recently I've let two extremely wonderful friends peek behind the armor, but I've always been sure to pull it back up as soon as I knew I was getting out of my head. I admit, not an easy thing to do since I have so much respect for them as human beings and men. I'm pretty sure Donal would also classify this as not being assertive.

I form certain attachments quickly because I know what I like and know what I want in my life almost instantly. I met Riley and fell head over heals for that young man. (Not in a sexual way, he's my other son). I knew right away that he was special. I can say the same thing about Donal. I met him on a day I was feeling kinda down and the first thing he told me was, 'beauty... F 'em.' I instantly felt better. I also heard him talk (not referring to his accent) and knew this was an amazingly gifted man, the type of person I love to have for a friend. Amy, Russell, and Chris are also people who I became attached to right away, not to mention my friends Joe (both Joe's in fact), Tom, and Fernando.

So an aspect of my life has been reawakened, although I'm not sure what to do with it at this point execpt leave myself open for heartache. Hey, I beat agoraphobia, depression, an abusive husband, the call of the banshee, and the big C... heartache should be child's play right? Although I've had that once too... heartache. (A story for another time).

Now it's time to learn to be assertive. In all things, not just when it's easy and I can get away with it. Yeah it's easy to walk all over the idiot women in the 'Committee' or the ignorant jerk I work with. It's also extremely easy to talk down to the big boss who I have no respect for and the sales people who treat us like their slaves. I can be the bitch then. But well... that's not enough. I'm too laid back... cuz if I wasn't I wouldn't let the thoughts someone planted in my head recently weigh on me. Ugh, I can't even type those in here. Where's Donal when I need him? Ah yes, bed... where I should be. Vicodin is making me sleepy and I think my thoughts are jumbled.

I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead before I start making sappy confessions of like... or even love. Aside from telling Riley I love him that is. It's a danger with this new reawakening, isn't it? And it certainly would be assertive. Yes?

My Personal Philosophy

This is my personal philosophy and in no way an indication on how you should think or feel, but it may help you to understand yourself and those around you better. Or at least understand me.

1. Never tell someone what you think they want to hear.
2. Never forget the past, but learn from it. It is when we do not learn from the past that we are doomed to repeat it.
3. Love everyone. Or feel nothing for them at all.
4. Make children your friends, for they keep us young.
5. Know that beauty is only skin deep and is certain to fade.
6. Find a color you hate, and wear it.
7. Know when to hide your feelings from others. When to share them. And when to be stoic.
8. Remember that the distance of the heart can transcend the distance between two people.
9. Realize that the people from our past affect how we treat people in the future, no matter how much we hate to admit it.
10. Like someone for who they are. (Like me for me).
11. Be a shoulder for someone to lean on, you may need one yourself one day.
12. Know when to make the tough choice.
13. Know that all creatures are important.
14. Always tell people that you love them, this time may be your last opportunity.
15. Learn something new each day. Teach something to someone each day as well.
16. Remember kind words from others, they help you when you are at your lowest.
17. Have strong armor when it comes to the really important things.
18. Know that age is nothing but a number.
19. Remember that feelings are your own creation.
20. People are going to talk about you no matter what so screw 'em.
21. When all else fails… SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE.

Come Closer... Now Get Away

Well, I got another one of those question thingies. I dunno what else to write at the moment so this seemed like a good thing to post. Love you all, as always.

Weird Stuff
1. One word someone has used to describe you lately: Muppet
2. One word you've used to describe someone else: Grand
3. Who were you talking about: Donal - he's also the person who called me a Muppet
4. Who is this person: My friend
5. Last person you spoke to in real life: Jeffrey
6. Last person you spoke to online: Donal
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone: Jeffrey
8. What color is your car: Gold
9. What color is your house: White
10. What color are you wearing today: Black

Love Stuff
1. Are you in love: No
2. Is someone in love with you: No
3. Have you ever been in love: Once
4. Does this person know it: He did
5. Last time you told someone you loved them: I don't think my son counts in this one
6. Name something you love: Music
7. What do people love about you: I'm 'sweet'
8. Do you love me: Not for much longer if this doesn't end soon
9. Do I love you: We're related so I think so
10. Describe love using one word: Complicated

Stuff About You
1. Can you cook: Yes
2. Can you sew: No... I suck
3. Can you drive: Yes
4. Can you dance: Yes
5. Can you read: Unfortunately, after this I'm thinking of giving it up
6. Can you sing: Everyone can, just not everyone does it well
7. Can you give blood: I've had practice... I no longer faint
8. Can you do anything special: Depends on who you ask
9. Can you swim: Like a fish
10. Can you give me Five Bucks: If it will keep you from sending me these things, yes

Have You Ever... Stuff
1. Kissed someone of the same sex: No
2. Been to another country: Canada when I was a baby
3. Been in a car accident: Yes
4. Thought of someone else during sex: Umm... maybe - it's complex
5. Been too drunk to drive: Never... I don't normally drink
6. Used drugs: Only what the doctors give me
7. Wanted something that didn't belong to you: Sure
8. Lie about your age: No reason to... is that a dig by the way?
9. Had sex outside: Umm... maybe
10. Lied that you loved someone: Nope, it wouldn't be right

Final Thoughts
1. Say something nice about the people from part one:
Jeffrey - A truly wonderful human being
Donal - A remarkable man who I feel lucky to have as a friend
Darrie - I'm okay with the person I am, flaws and all
2. Anyone else you'd like to say nice things about:
Chris - He may be the sweetest man in all of Scotland
Riley - He's like a son to me
Russell & Amy - The cutest couple on the planet
Sean - Very Charming

Did You Know?

1. Did you know… that most women who are victims of physical abuse fail to report the abuse for fear of retribution from their abuser?

2. Did you know… that in Thailand there is a beauty contest that requires the participants to be at least 175lbs or over?

3. Did you know… that muggers are most likely to choose as their victims’ women who walk with their heads facing the ground? As they are viewed as easy targets.

4. Did you know… that on the Fiji Islands there was no such thing as anorexia until they started getting American Television?

5. Did you know… that only one in ten men suffers from impotence due to a physical problem?

6. Did you know… that in public restrooms the toilet closest to the door is used the least, therefore having the least germs in it.

7. Did you know… that in the United States alone, there are 1,201 endangered plant and animal species?

8. Did you know… that in the United States, one boy is circumcised every 26 seconds?

9. Did you know… that obsessive-compulsive disorder could start as early as 2 years of age?

10. Did you know… that some women feel that if a man buys them dinner that gives him the right to expect for sex afterwards?

As always, love you all.

All The Things You've Said

The past two months I've had a bunch of really nice or funny things said to me. I dunno if much of it is true, but I'll go with it either way. Some of them are really for my eyes only and I'll keep it that way, but here's a few I can share. You probably will not all know the people who said them, but you might see your own name...

Mark B.: (we no longer talk) You have a nice voice, calm and sweet... something I can listen to all night long.

Riley: (about one of our friends) Crzy wants to see my hot naked bod.

Chris: I'm not givin' up that easily... believe me.

Donal: (at 4:30 in the morning) lol sleep.

Joe: (after me being happy for several days) You're glowing.

Jeffrey: (about someone else on the list) I think I like that friend of yours.

Russell: (when I said I'm scared of relationships) You're like my sister, I'll protect you.

Amy: (after someone tried to make me feel small) You're nice... don't say bad things about you!

Sean: (after I told him I felt sad) You're a kind and intelligent woman.

Spartan: (after I got excited about killing mutants) I like this girl!

Steve: (when I told him I was Irish and Italian) This is my kind of girl.

Dave: (we don't talk any longer either) I could help you with that...

Riley: (comparing me to someone else)....and you're kind, sweet, caring Darrie.

Hmmm.... nice thoughts there.


Also, you'll notice that I changed the colors of this thing. I like orange and black a great deal, plus I thought the green would look nice with it. Okay, so it's Halloween colors... I don't mind.
As always, love you all.

Darrie is Afraid of Ants

Yeah, it's true. I've got this huge unnatural fear of ants. I can take almost any other bug, but ants.... ick! Maybe it's because they're all over the place. I don't really know. I also dislike termites and slugs... barf! Ants are by far the worst however, and in the Summer our company is like an ant magnet. It's gotta be all that damn paper we have. I had to pick a newspaper company as my employer, didn't I.

I don't really have too much to say here today. I'm in a party chat with Donal, only he's fallen asleep. It's about 2 in the morning in his part of the world. He was so tired when we started talking, I feel kinda bad that he stuck around to talk to me for as long as he did. Not because he fell asleep on me, that I don't really mind (although he's a quiet sleeper), but because he can't be comfortable there with his headset on. Even his avatar is yawning and stretching. I took a picture of it and added it down below... replacing my ear.

I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty... 3AM. That seems a bit on the appropriate side right now. :)

As always, I love you all.

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

I've been writing a series of stories over the past few weeks. My long term goal is to combine them into one long story. I've decided to set it in Ireland and New York. Since I'm from New York I don't think I'll have any trouble with that aspect of it. I'll rely on Donal to help me with the Ireland portion. He seemed willing so I'm gonna pick his brain as much as he will let me. Hopefully it won't fester and scab. :) Or should that be scab and fester? He's incredibly knowledgeable and has a very sharp wit. I enjoy talking to him a great deal. He's already earned a credit in the story, hopefully that will make him smile.

In honor of the story, here's a picture....

Things I Love... An Anti-Valentine's Day Post

I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. If you read my tv.com blog you know that I just don't agree with there being one day set aside during the year that makes people feel that they need to show their love for one another. To quote my other blog... If you're in love, shouldn't every month be the month of love? Shouldn't you show the person, or people, that you love how you feel 365 days of the year? Do you really need a month, or a day, to remind you to do that? I believe that wholeheartedly, as you probably notice since I'm always telling you all that I love you. Last night someone wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. It was just a friend being kind, but it was very touching... espeically since he knows how I feel about the whole thing. However, it's kindness like that which gives a person hope for the fate of the world.

Strange that I say that I'm sure, but I have to believe that all small steps can lead to bigger ones. If everyone took a few small steps in the direction of the positive and fewer back to the negative, the world might heal. Or at the very least improve. As I always say, nobody is perfect but everyone strives for perfection. Myself, I've been striving to better myself physically since October when I just said, 'to hell with all this bs... get on with it.' As for mentally, I'm always trying to better myself in that way. I read a whole lot and study most things I become interested in. Sadly I just don't have the stomach for politics. I know all too well that politics is really just a bunch of sound bites that are meant to get you to think the way the person saying them does. Although I am willing to learn, as with everything else, so if you're willing to teach me....

Ahhh... the point of the blog today was supposed to be telling you things that I love. Mind wander much? Yeah so, hmmm, where to start? Ahh, the obvious.. my son. Blah blah blah, talk your ear off about him, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. Although Donal is gonna come over and 'make a proper man outta him.' So that might be new.

Another one which is also obvious... I love you all. My friends and second family. Not to (forget to) mention my friends at home and around the world. God, I know so many people. I miss the people from my English as a Second Language class who have since moved back to their countries, but it's nice hearing from them every now and again. :)

I live on an island now, but for most of my childhood I grew up in the mountains. I love green grass and rolling hills. The clouds grazing the trees and the freshness in the air. It's peaceful to me. It's not that the ocean and the beach isn't grand... I do love to walk the boardwalk (at night) and listen to the waves, it's just not as inviting as green grass.

I love to cook. It's fun for me. I've considered going to culinary school quite a few times. I'd do it for my own benefit though, not to get a job as chef. I'd end up knifing someone who gave me a bad review. :lol: I'd rather just stick to cooking for pleasure and not make it something that I must do. I know a few chefs who hate to cook at home, and that would suck for me if that happened.

Hell there's so many things I can say. How about this... I love my freckly arms and my tiny ears and my devilish laugh. Ya gotta love something about yourself so that's a good place to start.

Love you all. Happy day before the 15th. :)

12:14 am And All is Crazy

What on earth am I doing up? I'm playing Uno with Riley. Or rather we are in the Uno room and we're doing other things. I have the best time with him. We were playing with Sean earlier, but he had to go to bed... he's the smart one. I'm the one who has to be up for work in a few hours.

I'm missing Amy and Dave and Chris a bit. Amy's away and well, Dave... I won't even get into that one. Chris is another story all together as well. I talk to him a bit at least, that's saying something. But I'll always have Riley, which is very important to me. Although he and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't tell me because he knew I'd worry about him.

I told Sean and Riley about my cancer thingy, which is a huge step for me. It's not that I hide it, I just always hear the pain in the voices of people when they hear the truth and it makes me a bit sad. Grateful that people care, but sad because I know they wanna help and can't. It's all good actually... me I mean. No worries.

Right now Riley and I are messing with a French dude who is trying to insult us... fun. All I can say is.... OOOPPPs. I'm cryin now I'm laughing so hard.

Hmmm.... gotta go drink some water so I'll say goodbye for now. Love you all. :)

Back in Black

So apparently I've been writing weird sht and freaking people out. Sorry! I feel horrible for making anyone worry. You've gotta understand, sometimes my humor can get a bit dark and it's reflected in my writing. There are times my muse just wants to let loose and I let her take control. That said, you'll never have to worry about me doing something 'bad' to myself. I know how short life is... I don't plan on giving it a hand to get shorter. I've got too much to live for, and too many people that I love who would be affected by something like that. Not the least of which are you, my second family, whom I love to no end. And especially Riley, who is my heart.... in a motherly way that is. My son goes without saying... although I just did.

I have been mentioning Ireland a bit lately. Last night I had a refresher course in the heartache that has taken place in that country over the years. Here in the U.S. we don't learn about the history of Ireland to that extent. The Great Irish Famine we hear about, but not the struggle that continues to take place there. I actually dated a guy from Belfast at one time, so I've heard stories before, but last night it was like my eyes had been open again. And what I saw was heartbreaking. I'm still in love with the country and it's people, but now I've an even greater respect for both.

Chris gave me a few new songs to download... I'm so excited! Who else has something for me, remember, I listen to anything. :) I think I'm heading to Best Buy on Friday to purchase a few CD's that I just have to have.

So see, I'm feeling wonderful still. No need to worry. And just because I haven't mentioned it in a while. I love Riley. :) Love you all...

Karen Marie Moning Has Ruined Most Men for Me

I've always had this bit of an obsession for everything Irish and Scottish. Since I was 12 years old I've wanted to live in Ireland. To be in such a beautiful country with such a full and rich history, it's always been a dream of mine. The fact that it's also 'a hop away' from Scotland helps to make it such a perfect place. To me, that is.

Then I became a fan of author Karen Marie Moning... and she's gone and ruined most men for me. So I've already got this thing for men who are Irish and Scottish, but Karen takes these fantasy men to a whole new level for me. That's saying something because I've already got this perfect fantasy in my head, not to mention a very vivid imagination.

It's unfair really, nobody could really live up to an author's creation. I mean, they make these people perfect for a reason. Karen's 'Highlanders' and 'Fae' are beyond measure. Yet my idea of perfection might be even harder to live up to, because mine has more to do with character than looks. More heart than fortune. More mind than body.

All the same, Karen has ruined most men for me because now can hear another voice in my head telling me that my fantasy is able to be reality.... a very dangerous thing.

Love you all....

Books, Movies, Television, and Music

I'm currently reading two books... or at least attempting to. I've slowed down a whole lot on my reading as of late. For one, the novel I am reading Stay the Night by Lynn Viehl is her last in the current Darkyn series. I really don't want this series to end so I'm prolonging it as much as possible. Secondly, I'm reading Heartbreaker by Bret Hart. Yeah... the former pro-wrestler, that's the one. I'm not too far along in it, but that's mainly because it's pretty sad and therefore takes a lot out of me to read. :\

As for movies... I'm dying to see Push and the most recent addition to the Underworld series. Hopefully I'll get to the theatre to see them, but if not I'm sure they'll be out on DVD soon enough. I watched the 2006 film Bobby earlier today. A bit slow, but so moving. The ending really got to me. Bobby Kennedy was a great man and this film showed how much he meant to the world and the U.S. in general.

I've been slacking on my television watching this second half of the season. I have been able to catch up on How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, and Battlestar Galactica. Right now I'm working on LOST, and will soon follow with Smallville, One Tree Hill, and Bones. I've also missed the last two episodes of Top Chef, but since Bravo seems to rerun their shows so often, I'm not too worried about that one. My friend Mari is dying for me to catch up on two of the shows since I'm her only friend who watches them. Tom and George, however, are huge TC fans and they are waiting for me to catch up with that.

I have been catching up on my new music, however. Between Riley, Dave, and Chris I've added a bunch of stuff to my iTunes Library... and of course my iPod. I think that I need some more stuff though, so if you've got something for me, let me know.

Take Me or Leave Me - It's the End of the World as We Know It

And I feel fine. :) That song has been stuck in my head for a few weeks now. It's gotten so bad that now Riley and Russell sing it with me. We just need one more member of our little band and we can cut a deal. Haha.... never, we don't sound that good.

Well today's blog is again about me. Tired of learning new things yet? I say stick with what you know, and since I've been slacking on my television and movie watching, not to mention my reading, talking about myself might be best. I could give you all a bunch of trivia about mythology from around the world, but something tells me you wouldn't be interested. :) Again, that's assuming that you're interested in reading about me. It's just a bunch of random sh*t, so feel free to skip what you already know. If there is anything.

You'll always have to excuse me when I send you an email or write a blog. I never pay too much attention to grammar or spelling. I tend to write as if I were talking to you, so you can better hear my tone in the words you're reading. It's not proper, I know, but it's just how I am.

**side note, I just went to move my car and guess what is playing on the radio!!**

Let's dance! I love to. How much fun is it to just jump around and be crazy? I'm always doing it. In my car, at my desk, just walking through the office. I don't really need music - as if you couldn't have guessed that - but it does make things a bit more interesting. You don't have to be good to have a good time, and I always do. Hmm... that makes me sound as if I'm not good. You're not gonna see me in Usher's next video, but I can hold my own. My son, on the other hand is a fantastic dancer. He's had a great deal of training. Me on the other hand... just ballet.

Speaking of my son... He is the love of my life. The apple of my blue eyes. I know everyone always talks about how their kids are great, and they very well should, but if he wasn't my son I'd still think he was a wonderful person. He's truly a great human being. Kind, caring, and very open with his feelings. He's a leader among his peers, and quite respected by every adult who knows him. I often am told by the people around Long Beach that I've 'raised a fine gentlemen.' Which is all I can ever hope for. We have this strange relationship. I trust him and he protects me. We text each other every day or talk on xbox live... even though he's normally in the next room. I could not be more proud of him, and of myself for doing it on my own.

Not too long ago Joe pointed out that he can always tell when I'm in a good mood because I wear jewelry. All four holes in my ears (3 in one, 1 in the other) will be decked out. I'll wear something around my neck, quite often something made by my sister. I'll also wear something around my wrist or on my fingers. I normally don't wear anything on my left hand or wrists (because I'm left handed) unless I don't want people to bother me when I'm out. In that case I'll wear something on my ring finger.... if you know what I mean. But it's true, I've been wearing a great deal of jewelry lately and thinking about it makes me feel good. I don't look gawdy mind you, but I do look sparkly. :) In fact, today I'm wearing a 'likeness' of the Goddess Pele around my neck. Hmmmm... I guess I found a way to work mythology into this.

I'm loud! I laugh loud. I talk loud. I think loud. Huh? Yeah, my mind never stops and it's a bit of a pain in the ass. I guess that's a bit of a turn off. Women should look pretty and not be heard. Or at least that's what I've been told. Demure isn't a word you'd use to describe me. Don't get me wrong, I know when to hold my tongue, but it kills me to do so at times. Yet at the same time I love to listen to a conversation taking place. If I get quiet it's because I just wanna hear what you've got to say. If I don't agree I'll put in my 2 cents. If I do agree, I'll probably do the same anyway. But I'm loud so keep that in mind.

I'm a bit independent when it comes to relationships. I don't want a man who wants a mother. I'll do for you but you've gotta be prepared for me to want you the hell away from me at times. I'm never gonna complain that you've gone off with your friends, because I know you're coming home to me at night. And at the same time, every so often I just need someone to understand that my life has had a few heavy moments in the past that will cause me to just want your company. My armor is very tough to crack, but the end result is worth it.

I guess that's enough to start with. LOL. See ya soon.

A Most Wonderful Day

No catchy title today. There's no need for anything at all but this statement of pure fact...

I had a wonderful day today! Simply Amazing! I'd even go so far as to say.... epic!

Now, it's time to crash.

Love you all!

On a Bored Day I Can See Forever

So I'm sitting on XBox Live playing Uno with two of my favorite people, Dave and Riley. I love these guys. It makes my day to talk to them, especially since I've been so sick lately.

At the moment I'm actually not talking to either of them, they've both gone away although we're still 'playing' the game. It seems just being around them makes me a little lighter than air. You know all about Riley, he's my wonderful young man - second only to my son - but you don't know anything about Dave. Let me just start out and say this... Australian! But it's more than that, he's just a completely laid back guy. Or else he's really good at pretending. It's what makes him fun to talk to, someone more laid back in real life than I am.

It's nice to have somewhere to go where nobody judges you or asks you for favors. I mean, we do that, but it's different. It's read this poem or help me pick this out. It's never, can you do an interview or can you loan me some money. They really have no idea who I am, which is very cool. But they like the person I am, which is so important to me. They might even love me a little. Some more than others, as you might know from all the messages Riley leaves here.

There's a few more people that I just couldn't live without here in my little XBox world... Russell and Amy and of course, Chris. And then there's my real life friends who I play with at times too; Joe, Will, Cody, and Jeffrey. The latter three being my son and his two best friends and Joe being my co-worker whom you all know about.

But on a day like today, where I'm bored and feel sleepy.... these are the people I enjoy the most. Who I look forward to spending some time with. I don't know how they feel about me, but I love them with all my heart.

A Promise Kept

Last night I told Riley that I would make today's blog about him. I intend to keep that promise.

Riley -
King of cheeseburgers.
Lover of Sydney.
Player of Uno.
Protector of Me.
Skater. Student. Son.
Gatherer of Information.
Dealer of Insults.
Instigator of Laughter.
Bringer of Smiles.

Not really a poem, just a few statements of facts. I just love this kid, he's a sweetheart. :)

And Now a Word With Our Sponsor

I’m again under the weather but I did promise Riley (my fierce and loyal reader) a new blog today, so here it goes. Another ‘survey’ thingy, this one from a friend. It’s kinda naughty of me but enjoy nonetheless.

This or That?
Righty or Lefty: Both, although I use mostly my right hand. Oh, you mean writing? Lefty.
Short or Tall: Do you do this just to hurt me?
Black or White: Transparent.
Glasses or Contacts: Both. I can’t wait until I can wear my contacts again.
Drink or Smoke: Neither really.
Reading or Writing: I do both. Very well I might add, unless it involves big words.

5 Things?
Last 5 Movies You Saw: Deceived, The Last King of Scotland, The Wedding Singer, Fletch, and The Nugget
Last 5 Songs You’ve Downloaded: The entire CD by Pez which includes 15 songs.
Last 5 Songs You Listened to: (okay don’t laugh) Blue Sky Mine by Midnight Oil, The Scientist by Coldplay, Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus, Stormy Weather by Billie Holiday, and Dude by Beenie Man
5 Songs that describe you: Eye of the Hurricane by David Wilcox, Why Does it Always Rain on Me by Travis, Miss Indepenent by Ne-Yo, Trouble Breathing by Alkaline Trio, and Forever by Vertical Horizon (for Mike).
5 Things You Can’t Live Without: Water, Air, Music, Laughter, and More Water?
5 Things You’d Eliminate if you could: Death, Nasty Uno People, this damn cold weather, my festering cold, and that idiot I work with.

Do You Like?
Drugs: Vicodin rocks?
Drinking: You’ve got a preoccupation with this.
Sex: Why, girls can’t be into it?
Kissing: Shouldn’t you have asked that before asking about sex?
Me: I’m reconsidering our friendship.
Yourself: I’m pretty happy with the person I am, flaws and all.

About yourself:
Hair: Brownish/Auburn.
Eyes: Blue or grey – depends on what I wear.
Nose: Yes, I have one. It’s kinda small.
Feet: Small, what a pain in the butt.
Height: Yeah, now I really hate you.
Voice: I was told the other night that it was sexy so I’m going with that.

The Nicest Compliment or Small Snippets of Life

If you know me from my tv.com blog you might remember my very good friend Joe. My co-worker and friend who very nearly saved my life a few years ago. Today I was telling him about some of the weird people I've met on Xbox Live. The two of us have played a few things together on Live but he doesn't do Uno. As I was talking he suddenly looked up at me and said, 'Darrie, you're glowing.' Of course our other friend Dagmar overheard us and chimed in, 'yes, you look beautiful.' *so now I'm blushing* Joe's reply was, 'No, she always looks beautiful... today she's glowing. I've never seen you this happy.' Joe's seen me at my absolute worst physically, and he still calls me beautiful, but to hear him say something so purely kind is extremely touching.

I went back to my desk and thought about what happened yesterday to cause me to glow. Partly my friend Riley is responsible. Riley is probably the most wonderful young man I know, second to my son. No offense Sweetie. He's been having a bit of a spot lately and we were talking about it yesterday. When I say I wanna take this kid, bring him out to Long Beach and introduce him to any number of wonderful girls, I'm not kidding. He's just fantastic. So we were speaking about people and how they tend to judge a book by its cover, how sometimes you've gotta let something go even if it hurts you if it will make someone else you care about happy, and how sometimes you've just gotta put yourself out there.

I know... this is me giving him advice. It was just a few days ago that I was ready to retreat. Yet just how I said it before, I will say it again - all it takes is someone to remind you of the person you truly are and you can get through most anything. I was hoping to do that with Riley. I can only cross my fingers that I helped him even in some small way.

Talking to Riley made me realize that I'm not a person who holds back when I really want something. It's been a while since I've really wanted anything, but I have physical proof that life is too short not to go after what it is you want. Things I can't even begin to get into with you all, as much as I love you, have influenced me over the years. So I took a step last night. For me, a pretty big one. And heck I feel pretty good about it. Mind you, I was feeling a bit daring in my Vicodin induced haze. Yet I know I wouldn't have done anything differently without the 'help.' Sometimes you've just gotta put yourself out there, take a chance, and face rejection. But like I always say, I'll take friends only any day over losing one because of awkwardness.

Some time after my conversation with Joe I got an email that had this message... I think it's truly fitting to everything that has been happening lately. Here it is...

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED-
To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

I'm not a religious woman, but those words have hit home, especially now.

As always, I love you all. Treat people the way you want to be treated... until they screw with you, then kick them in the teeth and call your lawyer. :P Maybe tomorrow I'll give you another survey, Riley seemed to get a kick out of that last one.