The Way I Am

They say that situations in our lives dictate the person you are. Nobody is an exception to this rule I guess, myself included. However, it is possible to 'break the cycle' as they call it.

I grew up in an abusive household. My father was abused as a child and he grew up to be an abusive father. He had problems - major issues. Yes, I know we all have issues but few people deal with the stuff he did growing up and as an adult. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. He was my father and I loved him, but the man was a f*ck. History tells us that since I was abused as a child I would grow up to be abusive to my son. I am not. That's what they mean by breaking the cycle.

Yet, I did enter into an abusive marriage at a very young age. My ex-husband was never abused as a child, he was just an assh*le. He was a drug addicted bastard. I just don't believe the whole 'drugs make you do things' b.s. that they spout. If it's in your heart to be cruel then you will be. His heart was black, if he had one at all. Most of the time I think he did things to me because I wasn't the person he wanted to be with, a fact he made sure to tell me as often as he could.

I've seen a lot of stuff in this world that would shock you. I've survived and flourished in spite of all that I've lived through. All the things that I've been through could have turned me into a bitter woman, but it didn't. I'm still believe there is good in people. And, as Donal pointed out to me last night, I'm ruled by my heart.

I used to be a very guarded person. You all know this. If you've followed my tv.com blog you've seen my progression into someone who trusts a bit more easily. I'm aware that people lie, although I don't completely understand why, but I tend to judge more on the actions of people as they are toward me than anything they say about themselves. It's what they say about me that I have a hard time with.

I know when guys are saying sh*t to impress you. 'Darrie you have a beautiful voice.' 'Darrie you're incredibly smart.' Things like that. Hey it's nice, I'll take a compliment if it's offered. I know the spirit in which it's given. It's everything else I have trouble knowing if it's true. So I try to look at the actions which come along with the words.

I end up being hurt a lot because I am the way I am. I don't like to admit it. It's a weakness and I hate to show or admit weakness. It's like that aggressive thing Donal pointed out to me a few months ago. I hate admitting to that weakness as well. But I do admit it. I'm ruled by my heart, I want to see the good in people, and I lack the aggression to know when I'm being played. If the first step in a 12 step program is admitting you've got a problem, then that's my first step. Sadly my legs are too short to reach the next rung without help.

As always, I love you all. See you soon.