I Who Have Nothing....

For days I've been trying to write something. Anything at all really, but it seems my muse has taken a break. I have started and stopped this blog so many times, it's sad. Last night I was talking to Donal and he mentioned that he looks for the green, the color for his name, and then starts reading. So... Hi Donal, how ya doing my friend?

The title of the blog is a song from the musical Smokey Joe's Cafe, and was probably my favorite song from the show. It also reminds me a bit of Donal... well something he said once.

In the song, the singer is telling how he's in love with this person but he's got nothing to offer her. He sings how the man she is with can give her everything she wants and take her all the places she wants to go, but basically that man will never love her the way he does. Maybe praphrasing the saying, money can't buy you happiness.

So anyway Donal once said, 'I ain't got sh*t,' kinda like the guy in the song. But when this man finally falls in love, nobody will ever love that girl the way he will, because when you've got nothing the only thing you have to give is love. Besides, Donal is a good guy so he'd do that anyway. I'm gonna find him a nice American girl to love... any takers?

I know just want it means to have nothing. I'd give up every little thing I have for a great love like they sing about in the song. I'd give the man I love the world, if I could. Though not with things but with actions. He'd never want for anything, ever.

I think I'm a bit obsessed with love (or intense like) at the moment because both Russell and SG recently told me I was the object of someone's love. I've actually beaten around the bush about it for a long while in 2 of my blogs, but I've been a little afraid to come out and talk about it. Maybe I'm weird but I had this feeling like I'd jinx myself. But it seems I didn't have to jinx myself because the world has done it for me.

A while ago Donal introduced me to a friend of his... Mark. You've read about him here. He's amazing. Or, in Irish terms, he's grand. I have fallen head over heals for him.... something I'd never thought would happen in my life. He's completely and utterly fantastic, mismatched socks and all. I could go on and on but it might take a long time to tell you everything. Yet as I said, the world has done for me what I didn't do myself.

On April 25th Mark witnessed a terrible accident in which a woman lost her life... he's not been the same since then. We've barely spoken but a few sentences to each other since that day. A far cry from what was happening prior to that night. I'm hurting. I feel badly for myself, but I feel just as bad for him. Stuff like that takes it's toll on a person, especially if you don't deal with it on some level. I sit here wondering if I've done something wrong, maybe didn't say the right thing to him when he told me what happened. Or maybe I said something completely wrong in those short conversations.

Me being me, with the voices in my head, I also start to question myself on a different level, like maybe he's decided I'm not worth the time, effort, or wait. Still, I just can't believe the man who said so many incredible things to me one day would decide they were wrong the very next. That's just not the Mark I've come to know. I mean, if I wasn't worth the effort he wouldn't have put it in, he wouldn't have taken the time.

Everyone has told me I'm over-reacting. My doctor, Russell, and even Donal, who finally I had the courage to tell about Mark and I, have all said that he's gotta deal with what happened and then he will find his way back. See what I mean when I say Mark brings out my girly side?

In the meantime, I Who Have Nothing continues to play in my head... along with all the songs that remind me of Mark.

"I'm just a no one with nothing to give you but, oh...."

Well that's it. It's taken me all day long to write this. I'm not sure what the posting time will say, but it's 10:15 PM here right now. Thanks for listening. As always, I love you all.