Revealing My Mind

So I see a therapist every week. It's part of the reason why I want to become one myself, I know if it weren't for the woman I see every Saturday I'd still be stuck in the awful limbo I was after the deaths of the two men who meant so much to my life. Not to mention that whole 'big C' situation I had a few years back.

Yesterday she and I were talking about the men in my life now. Chris, Donal, Mark, Joe, Riley, Jeffrey, Russell, Colin, SG and J.J.. My friends, siblings, and children.

I've mentioned before how I form attachments quickly with people. These nine men (and my son) are no different. I've a special connection to each of them. Yet for some reason I felt like it was wrong to feel that connection with so many people. Not that the connection I have with each of them is at all the same, but to feel so strongly about so many people seemed weird. Mainly because I don't let a whole lot of people in.

Joe and Jeffrey are different, of course, because I see them nearly every day. Believe it or not, I don't see Jeffrey every day even though he lives with me. LOL. The boy is busy. SG is different as well since I've seen him a few times as well.

Riley and Russell are more like family than anything else. I've said several times how Riley is my other son. I love him to death that's for sure. Russell is like a brother to me and I could never be more grateful for all the advice and encouragement he's given me.

But see, I form attachments so easily. I know what I like about people and when I find those qualities in people I latch on. Latch on could be a strong way of putting it. Maybe a better way to say it would be I want to keep those I care about close to me.

My therapist talked about how each of these guys fills a different role in my life because of their different qualities. The fact that for so long I've shut love and the like out of my life that me becoming friendly with so many different personalities is natural. Or so she says.

Chris is really responsible for a great deal of my comfort level with people. He's the first person who really made me believe that I'm worth getting to know. He was the first to break through my armor completely. I talked about him in first part of my 'Yourself through my eyes' blog. He'll always be important to me because of it.

Donal is very much like me, or the me I was in the past. He's an amazing friend. I love him to death and would do anything at all for him... I just can't tell him that because he's a bit 'anti-gay talk' as he puts it. He really dug deep into my past and accepted it. Our friendship is strained at times, but he'll be my friend until one of us leaves the world.

Mark's the one I think I'm the closest with. I realized the other day that he truly pays attention to what I do and say. Where most guys will just say they know things about you... Mark really does. He's gotten very much past my armor and it feels good to say it and know it. I love that he recognizes my intelligence and isn't hindered by it. And as I said in a previous blog, he's the first guy in a very long time to see my girly side. He taps into that part of my mind like nobody else ever could.

Colin fills my need to care for someone. He's had such a rough time as of late. When we talk it's mainly me trying to boost his self-esteem and then him telling me I'm lovely for doing it. I can't imagine why anyone would want to hurt this man, but he's been hurt in a bad way recently. He's one of those people they say are in your life for a reason. I think the reason is so that I can give him his confidence back. I hope I'm up to the task.

And then there's J.J.. He's the man who I can count on for humor. He'd be upset if I didn't mention that he's brilliant, beautiful, with a big (ah hem), as well as modest. I keep wanting to say 'but seriously,' but it seems so out of place. We laugh a whole lot when we talk... a need I have always had. More than likely he thinks I'm a but of a nutter, he's just too much of a gentleman to say it.

So there's my connections: Love, admiration, friendship, humor, caring, sanity, respect, hope, and... well, love. Can never have too much of that.