And yet it has. And I feel foolish beyond belief and yet I can't be angry.
Years ago I met a guy online. He was a nice enough guy, we had a few things in common and we soon became friends. We were talking on the phone all the time and he even became friendly with my mother and sister. Then, I don't know what happened suddenly he became another person entirely. That is, after several missed attemps at meeting up. My family had invited him to spend Thanksgiving with us at one point, that's how close we were. But now he was totally different and I eventually broke off the friendship. I found out later that all the time he was "courting" me, he was attempting to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. I was hurt but I was glad that I never really got into anything physical. And yet, I'm big enough to say that was happy for him for going after something he wanted.
That experience had me very scared to make friends with anyone over the internet ever again. Then I started using the message boards at tv.com. And it's nearly impossible to become friendly with a lot of the people you meet there. First it was gabfan, then layle, frakker, hoeech, zeo, and so many others. Yet it wasn't the same as with that guy before. It was actually better. These people were like my family. I'm extremely friendly so I tend to put people at ease when they are around me.
Then I met someone. Only one problem.... I just learned that he's not alone. I had made it clear to him that we could only be friends, but he hid this detail about himself from me and I'm hurt. I feel foolish for not seeing it, and I'm mad at myself for opening up to someone yet again. But I just can't be angry. I mean, we were only friends and there were other things that would have kept us from ever being more. But because of his kindness I thought I could be ready to open myself up with a guy (or would meet in the future). I don't really have anyone in mind, I'm talking the hypothetical someone.
What does hurt me is that when I realized he wasn't alone I let him know I knew. In my opinion the cat was out of the bag even if he didn't know I knew. I told him I was happy for him, and requested that he didn't just blow me off after this. I mean, it wasn't really my blunder, right? I know in my heart of hearts that's what will happen. Which makes me sad. Is it worth crying over? Probably not. Am I? Yep. I don't like to be dumped by a friend, especially if I don't deserve it. And I don't. Do I?I value all my friendships. If I call you my friend, make you my friend, then you become someone I honestly care about. I just don't play at these thing. It might sound silly but I can't help but feel something for the people I know.
Yesterday in my tv.com blog I said that I think I'm ready to move on to a new possible future. One where I don't force myself to be alone because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I know, getting hurt is a part of life, but if you heard all of my story you'd understand why I'm so skittish. I know myself, I'll retreat into myself again. I see it happening. I don't like it. It's a defense system I have from my marriage. And as much as I don't like being alone, I don't like being open for hurt. The truly sad part is that if I just want a guy who wants me for what I have or can give them, heck... I could have a dozen tomorrow. But why take something that isn't worthy of the person I am. Which is truly fantastic if I must say so myself.
I just can't find myself being angry at this man because we were/are only friends. So he's got a woman in his life, okay. I'm his friend so I'm happy for him. But I am angry at myself. For allowing myself to feel again, now I don't know what to do with myself. Sure I'll get over the feeling bad sht, but just one word of honesty could have avoided all this and the guy couldn't do it. I'll put the blame on myself for now, although it doesn't belong there, and once I sit and think straight again, I'll pity him for loosing a friend like me. I'd do just about anything for my friend, every last one of them.
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7 comments:
I know how you feel, for three months I've been nurturing a relationship with a guy I met online. He's perfect for me, crazy, wild, fun, impulsive.
Then one day, I didn't hear from him, that day turned into six days, over the new year holiday. I was concerned something had happened to him.
Finally he got in touch with me, said he was scared ... that I would be really angry with him. I told him, I was concerned but not angry ... and please not to do that again.
Yup you guessed it ... he did it again. I last spoke with him on Tuesday. We'd had plans for me to go to his place the weekend of Feb 1st. I haven't spoken with him since.
I cancelled my vacation, didn't book my tickets (thank god), and I've deleted any way I had of communicating with him. (even if I wanted to at this point)
That's that, back to the drawing board. (I do wish I knew why he just stopped talking to me though, closure would be nice)
Wow. Ladies, we've all been there. Let's have a group hug? The internet is good and bad in so many different ways. It's truly tragic that it has become just another way to hurt us all emotionally. The truly sad part is that very often we who disappear into the internet are the ones who have already been emotionally scarred enough in real life. We see this as a haven and it is anything but. It is a dangerous world... and people can lie on here easier and faster and more efficiently in real life.
And the trick is...they don't have to answer for it. It is also easy to ignore. It is easy enough to disappear. To change. To be reborn elsewhere as someone else...or with someone else...and do it again. ...and it's easy enough for them to forget us. To forget what they do to us, did to us...
In both of these cases, in my opinion, you were victims. Not of a malicious crime or happenstance, but a crime nonetheless. A crime of human nature, as it were...
I think I'm getting up on my high horse, but as you both know I have been there and I have the FBI file to prove it.
I am sad for you both and happy to see that you're both making it through. You know I'm here if you need me. And you both know how to find me outside of...here.
*big hugs*
SweetPea, I'm sorry to hear this. I just don't understand people who think it's okay to play with the feelings of others. You did right by kicking him to the curb, he doesn't deserve someone like you. :) I've got no problem with internet relationships, it's a nice starting point, but they aren't always truthful. You're like me, you put it all out there, but most people aren't like that.... sadly.
Ralph (my Frakker), I remember reading all about your troubles and feeling so badly for you. I'm actually shocked that a woman would do that, but I guess stuff like this isn't limited to boys. (Using that word on purpose.) That saying, 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' comes to mind here. Yeah, I was upset or hurt or angry, but once I sat back and thought about the other struggles in life this one is easy. And as I said it did make me see the light. Sadly, this guy ruined a friendship when it didn't need to end. I think I was pretty understanding all things considered, but that's on him. However, it's so much better to just be truthful and let things happen as they should be. I'll take a dozen friends only over one fake 'lover' or whatever you wanna call it.
WOW ladies, I`m sorry to hear all the sad stories :( I`m really sorry for my kind. Mostly they are pig :) I admit that and internet opened an whole new area for them to play more easily with women hearts. I`d love to break their legs for you ladies but I just can say I`m sorry that you booked for another room in this Heartbreak hotel. I hope you can move into the next hotel at the shore, Joy and Happiness Hotel.
Shadow, thanks for that on behalf of SweetPea and myself. Even after all this I still try not to think that all guys are pigs, but once in a while the thought does cross my mind. :P
Welcome to the family, I'm so glad to have you around.
My pleasure :)
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